Sometimes I wonder if what I believe in is true or it's something I try delude myself into believing. Is it real or is it something I want to be real? Seriously, there are many times when I question what I believe and cannot tell if it is just a delusion.
Like, am I really a bad person? Am I really lazy? Am I really intelligent? Is my life full of choices? Is my life predetermined? Should I live in another country? Is the war justified? Should I go on with my life as it is? Should I change my uni course? Should I really do as I want? Am I actually good at games? Am I actually good at anything? Should I learn to write viruses and worms? Are my nihilistic views really mine or is it something I want to believe in to get that elitist feel? Am I really an agnostic atheist or do I really believe in something? Should I go on typing or does it matter?
My world has been shattered so many times, I have no solid foundation for my beliefs anymore. I can no longer believe in anything so strongly that I'd do anything for it. No, if there are enough reasons to change my views, I'd change. Do I have no spine?
Believing in myself has little to do with trusting my stand in any issues. Trust in my judgement? How can you tell if your judgement is clouded until it is too late?
Is it real or is it a delusion?
Is it true or do you just want it to be true?
I cannot tell. The subjective truth is so subjective, all truth look like lies.
Things are so grey, so grey. Is there no black and white anymore? How can anyone not understand that ignorance is bliss? I never believed in it. Now I do.
I envy that man I read about who had a serious memory problem. He cannot create long-term memories, so it is actually normal for him to take his lunch twice because he cannot remember that he had taken lunch the first time. It is so bad, he isn't even aware that he has a problem.
I envy him. He is a happy man, that is for sure. He doesn't even know he is being studied and has no idea what the tag on his wrist is for. It contains his address in case he gets lost.
There are thing I don't want to know. I don't want to know that Israel is hurting women and children. I don't want to know that Hamas is using the people they're supposed to be fighting for as human shields. I don't want to know that the US is supporting Israel. I don't want to know that there is almost no way oil prices are going back to the way it used to be, when $100/barrel was actually hilarious. I don't want to know that people don't die quickly most of the time during battles. I don't want to know that the price of electricity is going up one way or another. I don't want to know that the more advanced the technology, the more power it consumes. I don't want to know that while power demand is increasing constantly, growth of power supply is decreasing today. I don't want to know that my future looks bleak no matter what they say. I don't want to know that you're no longer reading this. I don't want to know that multiracial countries are also full of racists. I don't want to know that fluorescent tubes don't last very long and uses a lot of dangerous chemicals in their manufacture and cause more pollution than they're worth. I don't want to know that in some offices, fluorescent tubes last an average of a month each only. I don't want to know that all humans are superficial animals. I don't want to know that it is true that war is peace, ignorance is strength and freedom is slavery.
I want to know nothing.
Ignorance is bliss.
No comments:
Post a Comment