Rant 1277 / Could I Pull Off Something New?

05th Jan 2023

She just rejected my second invitation to go out for coffee, so after saying "haha ok I get the hint," I intend to give up on her, pending her reply which most likely will cement the end. So I was probably right, she was out of my league. Also have very different interests.

07th Jan 2023

She's giving some serious mixed signals. First she said we could meet after CNY, then stopped replying again for over a day. I'm giving her a bit of WOT telling her she seems amazing and that her apparent disinterest is due to having better matches, since presumably she is talking to multiple matches simultaneously like myself. This conversation is seriously challenging to prop up, and if it cannot be sustained till even the eve, then it's going to be awkward to just suddenly ask her out.

If keeping this conversation for another three weeks were within my ability, I wouldn't still be single. Her replies tend to be short, with minimal details, and do not ask for more details when I give equally short answers, which can be interpreted as disinterest. 

 

I'm probably being impatient and overthinking this, but tbh, this feels like a copy of the same situation with the Indian woman, where the actions and words don't match.

Anyway, another two matches today. Technically three but one unmatched just because I didn't reply within two hours of matching... due to an afternoon nap. The other two don't seem particularly promising, but that doesn't matter very much.

Beginning to think this back issue thing isn't wholly caused by my mattress but also partly due to sitting for too long.

Thought I was able to exercise today, but the moment I lifted the dumbbell, I felt something in my back. Let's not risk it...

Just finished The Outer Worlds. Kinda short, but it's so nice to play a first-person RPG of this quality and magnitude every once in a while.

Finally got around to trying the electric bass again, with a strap this time. I can say when it's higher, it seems easier to play than when it's resting on my lap. However, it's still a challenge to reach the highest string (E) with my pinkie and press down firmly with it, even on the 12th fret where it's rather close to my body.

Apparently that's normal and simply requires more scale practice. Like everything in life, it needs practice.

I'm still in the early part of the Valley of disappointment, so more training is needed to bring reach the intersection of the "What actually happens" curve and the "What you think should happen" line.

08th Jan 2023

Back's almost there now, 90% probably. No ache as I got out of bed, but still some when I sit with a leg crossed, or when I stand for a while.

The Chinese teacher replied with an apology for not checking her messages. I don't even know anymore. Of course will keep it going, but really not expecting much.

...

Wow she's really enthusiastic about our conversation this evening, even told me she'd switched on notifications for the app.

Was she playing hard to get only to finally understand the situation is rather different from that of her late 20s?

16th Jan 2023

Halfway through the first month already. Time flies. It will feel the same when I graduate.

Jack Ryan on Amazon seems like a pretty good show, seen three episodes so far.

17th Jan 2023

Finished a season of Jack Ryan. Pretty short with just eight episodes but actually good.

Matched with a woman a decade younger and her enthusiasm blew my mind!

It's insane, we agreed upon a date this weekend within 15mins, albeit a really short one since we both have other appointments.

So... just like last year, I have two dates close to one another again, though this time, the feeling is different. It's been so long I'd forgotten what it was like to chat with a match with much less caution. How nice! This is going to suck if it doesn't work with her though, because of what she has reminded me of.

My Watson's vitamin C effervescent tablets might be spoilt. I had diarrhoea last night and the night before, after taking one with dinner each time, and when I deliberately stopped that tonight, my stomach feels fine as of 21:47.

What the heck? Watson's house brand is terrible! The last time it was glucosamine that was bad in two bottles and I gave away the rest with a disclaimer, so now with this I am not buying their products anymore.

21st Jan 2023

Finally set a date yesterday with the Chinese teacher. Meeting up with the younger match today, maybe. It depends on whether she can get up in time because her flight got delayed multiple times last night, and she has only a limited amount of time to meet in order to avoid suspicions in her mother who's travelling with her.

The other match who met up on Thursday... was a sad story. She was absolutely beautiful, but her mind's warped. She needed help, at the very least by going out more to meet more people, because she'd been traumatised and had trapped herself in her little bubble for so long, her opinions were mostly based on her own conjectures that came out of nowhere. I would have helped, but she wasn't willing to change, so after her beauty wore off, I sent her a parting message encouraging her to seek help.

I am not even exaggerating - what we're taught is that there are really only two conditions you have to meet to be considered as having a mental condition severe enough to require professional help which are the inability to maintain achieve your goals (in her case, to keep her job as a teacher) and maintain social relationships (she's been losing friends, most recently her best friend).

As for today's date, I have some hesitation, but after yesterday's short videocall she requested, she seemed better than expected. We shall see. Yes she's also hot.

26th Jan 2023

That girl has little to offer aside from her body, as far as I am concerned. She might have personality but we don't really click. I'm letting out chat die.

Had a post-academic-term group discussion with our class mentor and seems like we will be changing again next semester due to envy from the other groups.

Fortunately I believe they're all better people than they used to be in the first semester, so it should go well.

She did ask one question that stuck with me: "What role do you play in this group?"

I interpret that to mean how I contribute to this group, and realised I don't do anything that stands out. Sure nobody can say I slack off (though the group knows I did in the first half of the semester and then did more in the second half) but there's nothing unique to talk about.

Current theory about my back issue - I need to train it consistently, this is happening because I've been letting go. More deadlifts, and back bridges. Tomorrow.

Mentor also noticed I'd been finishing my tests way ahead of the time limit, because for this first exam we've had so far (and the only one for this semester) on the 25th, she was sitting diagonally behind me, so she could also see my screen, in addition to my back and whatever is recorded in the system.

Although I always submit maybe 5-15mins ahead, this was literally the first time she could have a good look at my screen, which makes it no coincidence that she finally commented that she noticed I submitted my paper early, because if the recorded timing is all she sees this would have been my norm.

She definitely observed my screen, because the truth is that... I tend to finish the tests around the halfway mark, or half the time we're given. What I do is that I stare at the screen until about 5-10mins before time runs out, and submit it with everyone else. For the first paper containing 60 MCQs to be finished in an hour, I took about 35mins, while for second paper of that exam, the short answer question paper, I took about 45mins out of the hour given, which honestly isn't that amazing. This in no way means I'm some sort of genius acing every subject, it just means I read and type faster than everyone else. Like I told her in response to her remark, finishing the papers quickly is not necessarily a good thing. The reality is that most of these tests are have little to figure out - there's little to think about, so if you know, you know; staring at it longer won't make you know more. So after finishing the tests, there's little reason to read through everything and have second thoughts about my answers.

TBH I am quite confused about what people are thinking of me, because while some seem to think I'm really smart, nobody really wants me to be the class leader. I mean I don't want to be the class leader, but at the same time, I guess it does hurt my ego slightly. My best guess is they know I am lazy.

My client wants me to keep my business going. Considering restarting on a much smaller scale, but need staff, likely from my circles. The old ones I used to hire, they're old, if I hire one, I need the other for them to keep an eye on each other in case of accidents. Moreover, don't feel I need someone to be in the office daily this time.

Rant 1276 / And Then It Was 2023.

26th Dec 2022

So I've had an eye patch for a while, not sure if it has been mentioned before. Very rarely used for a few reasons, but decided I should really use them because my weaker eye may be turning lazy. Not sure if it's just me but it seems like one eye is moving less when I look in different directions, and it would be very much preferable to keep my eyes moving at the same rate at all times. So, using an eye patch to cover my stronger eye will reattune my brain to using this weaker eye, but while it's on, my depth perception is gone, and there have been at least one occasion when I accidentally touched something hot because of it, though fortunately nothing fragile has been knocked off somewhere high yet.

Thought one convo was stopped, but her last reply was to ask for my number. Interesting - thought she wasn't interested judging by her short replies and that she couldn't meet till months later. Still, not sure how this could be sustained. Chances are, I'll be meeting someone else earlier than that. 

 

 

 

 

31st Dec 2022

The Aeron is legit. Been feeling weird in my back lately, didn't flip my mattress topper regardless. Today, I had to brace my back when walking and turning, no idea if it is going to be safe to sit on the floor. Not a sprain yet, but close to one. Yet once I settle into the Aeron, all of it went away immediately. Yes, the chair is worth its price, whole-heartedly agree. Herman Miller has gained another fan now.

Six matches on CMB, but only the latest one might have any chance of a date in the foreseeable future. She prefers to chat more before meeting, so I asked a little too early.

But she seems amazing so hope this one works out.

Also a Chinese language teacher, though a local one this time. If we ever meet up, I could then say I have a strange affinity for Chinese language teachers.

Also, another like last night, though one chat is expiring later so it will still be six matches if I like her enough when her profile pops up at noon later.

02nd Jan 2023

Six chats and only one alive as of today, the Chinese teacher hasn't replied since before noon yesterday. The latter isn't a big issue, she might be busy in JB as she'd mentioned that earlier when I asked her out. In any case, somehow I feel lonely again today. I know I have friends to talk to, but I don't want to talk to them, and it would be nice if the reason could be discernable.

Back is feeling a little better today, might be back to normal tmr. Hopefully. I want to try sleeping on the topper directly on the bed frame, which effectively will make it a futon.

Part of the reason of my sprain might be that I've been sitting down more often. The other possible factor could be the fact that I really haven't been working out enough.

Ok, the Chinese teacher replied again, and seems to be more keen on talking now. Apparently she left on the eve and only just got back, so she was talking even in JB, which was sweet.

So I finally understand why buying insurance is not betting that you'll suffer whatever the policy covers.

First, we must understand what a gamble is. Before the bet is made, when you are holding on to your money, there is no risk. Once the bet is made, there is now a risk - the risk of losing it, in exchange for the chance to gain more.

So now on to insurance. Before you buy the policy, the risks are already there. The act of spending money on the bet does not change any of the odds of whatever the policy covers happening to you. Therefore, it is different from betting on your death because to bet on your death, you have to be immortal beforehand, and to add on, is there really a profit on your part? Maybe to the people around you, but you will never gain anything worthwhile from such a bet, making it a terrible gamble.

Instead, the insurer is the real gambler, because before you buy the policy, the insurer has no risk of losing money (since the only change that the insurance would affect as far as the insurer is concerned is monetary), but when you buy the policy, suddenly the insurer has a risk - the risk of you making a claim before the company earns enough money from your premiums to pay you. So in effect, when you buy a policy, the insurer is betting that the company will make enough profit from your premiums before you file a claim, and the house/dealer is the world. 

 

You're just the scenario, the game of blackjack, the roll of dice. You're paying money to become the rolling dice.

And there is indeed a consistent winner in this gamble - the funeral parlour.

03rd Jan 2023

Today marks an end to my business - the final eleven cartons are about to be sent out. This will also be the last time I engage my transporter guy for work. Of course it feels a little sad.

04th Jan 2023

So my mattress is definitely sunken in the centre, and no flipping will help. I am tempted to really try the idea of placing the topper on a hard surface like the bed frame, but there's a big test tomorrow and I need sleep.

On the other hand, it might suck to sleep on the mattress too.

My back still hurts a bit today, and rolling around, I can feel it's easier to roll into the centre than it is to roll to the edges of the mattress. Perhaps it is time to consider the futon style of sleeping.

Feels a bit bad for my transporter. The cataract in one of his eyes is quite obvious, his eyesight isn't great, his driving can't be very safe. Business is unpredictable according to him, and it is hard for him to move on to other things because his kids are still in school, making it a major challenge to take any serious risk to his income. But he must move away from his current line asap because of his eye and his bad back.

Wonder what he can do.

05th Jan 2023

Removed my topper instead, and went back to sleeping directly on my hard mattress, and so my back recovered much faster over last night. Feels almost normal now, as compared to the minor recovery over the night before. Will restart my workout this weekend, but carefully.

The conversation with the Chinese teacher is going great, and rather than asking her out this weekend, I've opted to bring the convo out of CMB first. Seems like quite an adorable person, reserved, absolutely beautiful, in the not-so-distant past she'd have been considered out of my league. I guess my confidence has grown.

Still trying to get her to talk and open up. Clearly she's keen on keeping the conversation going because I threw her a few simple observational statement replies and she responded regardless, but most of what she says tends to be short. Question here is whether I haven't found the areas she's really excited about, or she prefers our conversations to be in Chinese.

She's local, so the latter might be unlikely, but who knows?

Anyways, might also be counting my chickens before they hatch.

Re-read my last post. Could barely recall the Brazilian woman now. Wonder how strange it is going to feel to read something from years ago, like I did a long time ago with my very first post.

Thought I'd fail my Pathophysiology and Pharmacology test, but turned out it wasn't an F, nor was it a D, but a C+. I am amazed.

Keen on getting a bamboo sax but my electric bass is too neglected for me to justify spending S$335 on it.

Big Anatomy test later. Confident enough for a C, maybe a B.

Next week is something of a killer again. One final big presentation on Monday morning, a simulation lab class that requires some homework on Tuesday, an escape-room style simulation lab class that requires a bit of revision beforehand on Wednesday, a simulated panel interview and a major test on Thursday, ending with another test on Friday.

And overarching this entire week are two case study essays we have to complete by the following week, which may be lighter but is also meant for mugging for one actual exam paper.

TBH this is still relatively ok compared to uni life. Really makes me wonder how they survive over in the university version of this programme because it will also be accelerated by a year.

A bit of rest tonight and back to the mugging tmr.