26 July 2019
Been up since probably 4.30am, likely slept at 1am last night.
Can't sleep.
She really wants to leave, and I can't change it.
Yet I strangely swing between 2 moods - sadness tinted with hope, and resignation.
I don't know anymore.
We are going for a marriage counselling session later, but honestly, I don't hold much hope for it at this point. I have gone 100% for 2 days and bent over backwards for her, but it's too late, her heart has not even nudged a little towards me.
It's caught me completely off-guard, yet the signs were there all along for years.
In fact, there have been plenty of times when I wished she would just leave me, and when it almost happened months ago, and looks to be happening for real now, it feels like my world collapsed.
Why? How?
Weren't we settling into a comfortable routine?
Why didn't I listen to what she was saying? Why was I turning off everything when she spoke most of the time? Yes I did listen to her for certain things, like not taking long distance coaches in Malaysia and avoiding having alcohol in my breath when we were together, but there are far too many things that I have refused to change for her, like wearing pink berms and having a piercing.
There is no right answer to this - everyone has his/her own style; everyone should do what they can to make his/her partner happy. What is clear here is that I have been too inclined in the former and neglected the latter.
Honestly, I could not tell that she was so unhappy!
The list of offences is long, and she has found a guy who has really showered her with attention. Loads of attention. Attention she cannot get from me.
Not even exaggerating here. That dude threw much of his workload to his junior and texts her day and night, without fail. If she doesn't reply, he pesters her repeatedly, which she really likes.
And they have only started talking for about 11 days so far!
In contrast, I don't like to talk to anyone, so even though I talk much less to her than that guy, that's the most I ever speak to any single person. Moreover, I am not romantic, and I don't spam mushy Wechat Moments, its Whatsapp equivalent and Insta posts like he does. He does it every single day, albeit mostly copied from elsewhere, but she loves that sort of thing.
And I never listened when she kept telling me in the past that she wanted that from me.
Of course, she has said that she won't marry him, but that's not the point. She has also admitted that he has promised to come over in August, and if he does, she will sleep with him, and then fly over to Shanghai when she can apply for leave.
The gist, to me, is that she's looking solely for attention, not someone to build a life with. I am sorry for missing that.
Everything she's promised were just sweet empty words that she expects from her partners. The promise that she would return no matter what. The promise that she will always be mine. The promise that she loves me no matter what.
But who am I to judge? Plenty of broken promises on my end too, promises I really thought I would keep but couldn't, and promises I reluctantly made because otherwise she would have left right then. The promise that I won't shut myself away when we quarrel. The promise that I won't shout at her anymore. The promise that I will give her all the attention that she wanted.
Now, will the marriage counselling help?
21 Aug 2019
Isn't it great to read this sort of thing instead of having to chase episodes by the evening/week?
Art mimics life, doesn't it? I mean, not in my wildest dream have I ever imagined myself getting into a marriage that will not be lasting a year. Annulment! To top it all off, it comes with a mutual agreement between the both of us! How rare is that?
I'd only read about marriage annulments in my one semester doing the basics of contract, family and estate laws, but really never thought that it would happen to anyone around me, let alone myself. It's rare because almost everyone simply stops the wedding before it happens, not just after.
Yet we have just done that.
She was the one who woke up first from the dream and became insistent on that we have to annul; it took me 2 weeks to come to the conclusion that she was right.
Of course it was a shock to me back then! I thought we had settled into a comfortable routine! The process that lasted the first week was akin to what I went through when my mother passed away. The second week, there was the trip to Pulau Perhentian so everything distracted me and I could talk to some of my closest friends about it.
No, they didn't choose sides nor give me any advice, probably because none of them had the credibility for marriage advice, and they were matured enough to know one does not pick sides in situations like this.
Marriage problems are rarely caused by one person, and our marriage is the same. Like the cliche saying goes," it takes two hands to clap." Both of us had handled various things wrongly, and we will come out of this knowing better than to do/tolerate certain things in future relationships.
For example, she should really avoid going for guys who have never had a girlfriend before, and I will never go for a girl whom I have to bend backwards for right from the start.
We are now both still on talking terms, very sad about the situation, but we completely understand that this must be done. I am now contacting a law firm regarding this, and all other preparations have been cancelled.
The wedding venue has generously converted my S$7k deposit into a one-use credit of just under S$6k, the honeymoon's air ticket has been confirmed to be refundable (in miles because it's from mileage redemption), and the cruise's representative has given me just over a month to change the name for free.
Of course I'm not cancelling the honeymoon! It's my dream! Who knows how it will be changed by global warming in 20 years when I can finally spare the money for it again?!?!
Now I have a short list of people I'm willing to invite for it, and will be going through it one by one. Hopefully someone on this list is able to make the time and spend the 5-digit figure for it.
9 Sept 2019
Got a cousin to go for it, just one of the few people in my family tree who fits the criteria I feel are the most important:
- can get along with me
- above 21 and not so old that traveling might be a hassle
- hasn't many opportunities to see the world
At this point, I realized it would be awkward to ask for money, and so the topic has not been raised, and since money isn't important, the promised invoice has not been sent either. I checked the document, nothing really important is on it other than the price.
Booked most of the transportation and hotels now, leaving just the activities. Tango classes for beginners, some tango sessions, etc.
Also cancelled her flight. That, somehow, gave me the biggest heartache since that time when we decided to part ways.
On the bright side, now I'm obligated to use up the miles or check on how Flying Blue miles work. My estimate is that I can redeem up to 6 economy return flights, or 2 business class return flight on some really cheap (in terms of miles) long haul like the one we took up for this trip we were supposed to go together.
It still saddens me to mention that last line, but oh well, it must be done - the reasoning was sound, and we are past the point of no return.
This ticket includes 2 long-haul EACH WAY - Singapore to Western
Europe then to South America before returning the same way, so it is a lot of miles being refunded to me. Fortunately, Flying Blue is a joint programme between KLM and Air France so my options are wider.
Meanwhile, my cousin
from Canada is going to have it far easier in terms of time zones. I bet
it's just going to be 1-3 hours of difference.
