Rant 436 / KITTENS

After yet another depressing rant, let's discuss something brighter.

KITTENS

Some reviews I read online say they taste like chicken. In an effort to cope with climate change, I'm planning to eat strays for food. At this moment I'm sharpening this big stick I found under a tree at my void deck and practising my downward thrust.





I've heard of this Chinese delicacy called 龙虎凤 (translation: Dragon Tiger Phoenix), which combines the flesh of these 3 creatures into a single dish. The dragon is represented by snake meat, tiger by cat meat and phoenix by chicken. Snake can probably be found somewhere in some stores; chicken is easy. Cats are tough to catch though.





What do you mean? Of course I love animals! Especially cute animals because they make great-looking dishes!




Look at this baby porcupine! It's so tiny and adorable! One can easily deduce that its meat has to be very tender and hence doesn't require much cooking, though it may be too bony to make good food at this stage. I should fatten it up for a couple of months before putting it to sleep and giving it a decent burial in my belly.





See? I like beautiful art pieces inspired by cute animals too. Bambi must be one of the most famous fictional (read "inedible") animals in the world.





Eating animals isn't barbaric! This is barbaric - eating human foetuses/babies. If eating non-human meat is barbaric then only vegans are civilized people! This concept is so ridiculous it's laughable. Carnivores are AWESOME!





Speaking of eating meat, I should start to marinate my chickens. Notice how we pamper our chickens, post-mortem?




Real leaders eat meat. Feel the spirit in the eyes of the Japanese Colonel Sanders? That is what eating animals does - it makes us true leaders!




Leaders who don't eat meat always fail. If you doubt me, then take Hitler as an example. He was a vegan with a completely meat-free diet, thus his political career ended horribly.




It doesn't even matter how capable you really are! If you don't eat meat, you're a loser even if you achieve amazing things.




So eat meat! Any meat! Even meat that looks like a pussy. Because pussies are edible too.




Offals are good, wholesome, nutritious meat. There is no such thing as an inedible part unless you're eating fugu.





Go ahead and eat some delicious meat! I'm going now to find myself some urban wild game in my neighbourhood. May the Force be with me!

And remember, don't eat babies!




Because if you do, I'll hunt you down. Wherever you may hide, I'll find you...

AND I WILL TAKE YOU WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT.