Thursday 29 March 2007

Rant 042 / Using Pontianaks As An Anti-Plagiarism Tool for Dummies

Plagiarism is a serious matter. When someone plagiarizes you, it is very hard to prove unless both of you have evidences of when each of you completed the work(s). The original author must take take serious actions against the offender. It is perfectly legal for you to murder that person, or make use of whatever advanced weaponry you have.

To prevent plagiarism/piracy, make use of the copyright laws. It is imperative that you also have the support of other societies/people, as a back-up. I recommend a bomoh. Failing that, you can also attempt to befriend a pontianak. The search may be somewhat difficult, but if you have read enough books written by Russell Lee, you can easily find one anywhere in South-East Asia.

According to Malay folklore, a pontianak is an undead woman, and is usually unfriendly. Friendly undeads usually appear only in documentary films like "Casper the Friendly Ghost". Therefore, in the case of a pontianak, one must never forget who one is dealing with - a woman.

A pontianak usually appears as a beautiful woman, often using a cheap perfume that smells like frangipani( everyone knows good perfumes don't smell like any flowers they've ever smelled). Therefore, you can easily identify pontianaks as "beautiful women wearing cheap perfumes". (Alternatively, you can interpret these clues in such a way that concludes that "women with body odour that smells like frangipani" are pontianaks. Either way, they fit the clues given perfectly.)

Such a description fits many women, and in Singapore, a majority can be found in Geylang. Actually I'm not sure if all of them wear perfumes at all, but I assume at least some of them do. And among these women who wear perfumes, the beautiful ones are pontianaks. This is getting eerie.

However, readers must take note that "beauty is in the eyes of the beholder". Thus, all of them are beautiful to one man or another. Therefore, all women who wear cheap perfumes are pontianaks.

Now you see how easy it is to find pontianaks?

The difficulty really lies in the befriending. According to Malay folklore, pontianaks stay in the mortal plane to seek revenge and terrorize villages, making them terrorists. These undead terrorists are truly the worst breed of them all, simply because only a sharp object driven into the back of their necks can stop them.

By simple deductions, you will realize that if Osama bin Laden had sent these terrorists for the operations on Sep 11, he wouldn't have lost so many of his men's lives. This would have been one of the most cost-effective operations of the entire history of Terrorism.

And you must not forget these women only terrorize villages. Of course, they also eat babies and harm pregnant women. But if you're not a "fucking baby", or pregnant, or staying in a village, you are perfectly safe.

Now, to befriend terrorists, you may find financing them to be one of the easiest way. One clue as to how to do so is that pontianaks feed on blood and intestines. These can be obtained in your local wet market, if you live in Singapore. Any butcher would sell you intestines and maybe blood, but it may not come cheap.

Before you ask, yes, the intestines should be fine even if the rectum/anus/asshole/butt cheeks are still attached. I mean, if they can only afford to use cheap perfumes, they can't possibly be too picky with food.

After treating her/them to such a feast, you should find her/them more approachable. You see, people are like that: if you give them something good for free, they instantly respond with gratitude. It's an inborn instinct. At that stage, feel free to chat her/them up, ask for her/their numbers or anything you'd do to makes friends with her/them.

Now, you have a solid defense against plagiarism. Once you discover a plagiarist, wait for him/her to have a baby, then inform your friend, the pontianak. If not, kidnap him/her and bring him/her to a village. The best scenario would be if the plagiarist is a fucking baby, in which case the work is already done for you. But very likely, the plagiarist won't be one, cos he/she wouldn't have the guts to steal your work in the first place.



Finally, a post which I think should be entertaining!

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