Rant 992 / Overwhelmed By Options, Underwhelmed By Motivation

The number of followers of this blog is now in double digits.

IIRC there were only 9 before the slight jump in traffic recently.

It's strange IMO because in May 2010 when the traffic hit an average of over 250 pageviews per day (I think it peaked at about 600 at one point) and not a single person followed this blog, yet now it's only hit 150 and 2 followed.

However, the fact remains that this blog is possibly the saddest one on the Internet - almost a thousand published posts, over 10 followers, an average traffic of 100 pageviews a day, 36 published comments of which 8 are my own.

Once again, this is proof of what I'd said a long time ago: a prolific writer does not a good writer make.

I have mixed feelings about this. After all, it's already number 992. I'd expect something more to happen than what I'm seeing.

On the other hand, I like having a low profile. This is the internet - being high profile means attracting a whole lot more undesirable attention than being high profile in real life, particularly in regards to comments, both legit and spam.

Besides, I'm aware that I've typed lots of things that are either wrong or just plain stupid and I'm not going to correct anything more than a few weeks old. If this blog gets more visitors, I'm going to get more dumbasses telling me I've got this and that mistaken.

I know or I don't care. Either way, those mistakes stay. That's part of the purpose of this blog - to record who I was.

Sentimental reasons.



















I wonder if there are people who think I have an awesome life.

It may be true I'm living in paradise compared to people living in the slums of developing nations, but there's no such thing as a life without problems.

I have to admit I'm most likely depressed.

Seriously, I have nothing to live for. My bro's doing fine with his girlfriend, and he's going to be a husband (and eventually a father) soon. He will find a way to take care of himself one way or another, if he hasn't already.

I have no parents, no relatives I actually care for. I'm quite literally "anti-social", and not the kind who simply avoids parties. I'm fully aware I've become rather abrasive since my mother's condition became serious, and I'm not about to apologize for anything.

Whatever I've said or done over the months, they may have been callous but I know I was right on all occasions. It's always been a stupid idea to argue against me and since nobody has convinced me that I'm wrong, I'd say that all the arguments I've been involved in are just evidences that back this theory.

The only thing I live for right now is the business, and honestly speaking, no one else will miss it if it dies. So what if I succeed? Who's going to be proud of it? Only myself. I will be the only person who acknowledges this achievement, if it is ever achieved. It would be like a masterpiece that nobody ever sees, or a famous musician performing in the streets incognito - it doesn't matter.

Let's face it. If I die today, I won't be missed. Nobody will even notice that I've stopped all online activities for months or years, except for anyone actually following this blog, and even if such people exist, they won't be able to do anything about it because all comments are invisible until I've personally approved of them, and few visitors know my real identity.

In fact, if I die today, someone's going to be very happy from all the money he/she is getting from it.

Moreover, I don't have to live up to anyone's expectations anymore.

What am I still doing here?