Rant 342 / What Should I Do Now?

The world's oldest condom... is reusable.







I have come to a point where I realize that something is terribly amiss with my academic performance. It is a week before my first paper for my finals and I know I will be failing at least half the papers in this semester, if I'm lucky.

This is not the sort of situation where an observer can say that I'm wrong and it can't happen. In all honesty, I have truly dug a hole so deep it will take nothing short of a miracle to allow me to pass all my exams. If I pass everything, I swear I will convert to one religion or another. No kidding.

I'm not sure if you actually do understand to think you're going to fail and to know it are two entirely different feelings. When you think you're going to fail a paper, at least you know which topics you suck at. If you know you're going to fail, it means you don't even know which topics are difficult. Or worse, you cannot even recall all the topics that are included in the course.

I believe there are a few possible reasons for this:

1) I am incredibly lazy.
2) I have no interest in Engineering.
3) My talents lie elsewhere.

It can be any, some or all of the above. I don't know anymore. All I know is that the path I tread on is going to lead to the birth of another uni dropout. Or if I miraculously improve my academic performance next semester, I will still require an extra year to graduate.

I have made myself a situation where it is logically beneficial for me to find an alternate route. I am not getting any younger nor healthier and my small inheritance isn't going to last forever. Due to certain health problems I foresee in myself in the near future, I believe a government job would be most suitable (good medical benefits and etc). And since all I want is a steady job with a decent salary, it just enforces this idea.

Military service might be possible, especially on the service (non-combat) side, of course.

Nursing is another alternative. But my past visits to hospitals and what I saw then have made me respect nurses greatly and hate the job itself. For example, guess how bedridden patients pass motion. For those who don't know, there is something known as the bedpan. It is a giant metal pan with the toilet seat into which the patients shit. The nurses have to clean the patient after he/she is done, then remove the pan of wastes.

Teaching is actually my first choice among the three. Personally I find this to be the most meaningful. Makes it more than just a source of income. In fact I was just looking at the MOE website about my possible career choices in this trade.

By the way, it should be obvious I have given up on revisions. I am so fucked and I have paid my tuition fees for nothing. I have done nothing for this semester.

So I was searching the website for what I can do with my A-level cert and apparently the starting salary is at $1480, teaching at the primary school level. I can also either pick a 2-year course for a teaching diploma or a 4-year course for a teaching degree. The degree will, I presume, most likely put me in GEO-1 category and the starting salary is $2600 if I have only a degree without honours.

This is another crossroad that confuses me. Which should I pick? If I pick the degree path, will I repeat what I'm doing right now? Yet with a starting pay of $1480, will it be enough in the long term? Given that I'm not big on the idea of marriage and certainly not keen on owning a car, I still need large sums of money for medical costs in the future. As I may have said before, it is much cheaper to die than go to a hospital in Singapore.

I am swimming in a sea of doubts here. Drowning, almost.

I would have repeated that rant about switching to a degree in multilingual studies, but looking at the way my friend who graduated in English Literature was searching for a job, I think I will probably still end up being a teacher even with that degree.


And here another doubt arises. This desire to change my major, does it have to do with the fact that I have given up on my studies, just like I did last semester? Do I really want it or do I just want an escape from where I am here? The "anything-but-this" mentality?

But this time, my choice is more practical than the last.

Do I also need counselling?

I don't know anymore! All I know is the it is most probable that I won't be improving my grades very soon. And I need to answer the following question asap:

What should I do now?










I need to clear my head. I am definitely not seeing the big picture clearly. All my doubts are clouding my eyes.

Maybe I should consider only my next move. One step at a time.

My finals. What can I do?

If I really am going for the career change, there is no reason for me to go for the exams anymore.

Even if I go, I will just fail them all.

It is too late to ask myself, "What have I done?"

One step at a time.

If I go, I go in the hope that I will improve next semester. I doubt that.

Hence, logic says I should skip my finals, with a Medical Cert or without.

Is my logic flawed?

Is this absolutely insane?

I have never heard of anyone mentioning anyone doing such a thing before, but my logic advises this.

Have I truly gone mad?

But... what would be the point of attending if my mind goes blank when I look at my tutorials?

This is life, isn't it?

Shit happens, deal with it. Seriously, life always has some surprises that you will never expect. This is what I never expected. To end up in this pit is something I wouldn't even have dreamt off in a thousand years. To anyone reading this, I hope you've learnt something here. You just cannot avoid it if life wants to throw you some SURPRISE BUTT SEX. So be ready for anything.

How to deal with this? How to deal with this?

Path 1: I go for all my papers. I predict I will fail all. My GPA drops faster than my erection at the sight of a 2-week-old naked bloated drowned human corpse. I get academic probation.

Path 1a: Then I get discouraged further because of this. Eventually I dropout and goes back to square one. I turn around and try for the teaching diploma.

Path 1b: For some unimaginable reason I improve my grades by magically understanding all my stuff. I go on to graduate like my peers, except I take 5 years instead of 4.

Path 2: I don't go for my papers. I make myself sick to escape from one or two papers. My GPA still drops like a paratrooper with a malfunctioning parachute. I still get academic probation. Repeat 1a and 1b.

Path 3: I just quit it now and apply for a Bachelor's of Science (Education) or the Diploma.

Path 3a: History repeats itself and I fail my modules even in this course. The rest is too depressing to imagine.

Path 3b: Success! I get the degree/diploma and go on to teach your kids what "Daddy wants to play" really means. (Watch SporeOut 3 in my last update to understand this)

Path 3c: During the time before the new term starts at NIE, applicants are sent to teach in schools. Through this stint I find out that I'm not cut out to be a teacher. Back to square one.

I have listed some of the likely routes that I see before me. The problem now is deciding which are more possible than the rest. Which brings me back to one of my first questions.

What is causing this to happen? Am I lazy? Do I have sub-par intelligence? Or am I completely uninterested in Mechanical Engineering? All of the above?

I believe I have to answer this within the week. My next step depends on the answer.

Shit happens, deal with it. Easier said than done.