Rant 044 / There's No "I' In "Teamwork", But There Sure Is "Laughter" In "Slaughter"!

A short introduction to Zombies

Zombies are a misunderstood people, and are shunned by the general public due to their unfriendly nature. They are really not harmful, and their life stories are generally very touching.
Zombies are largely emos, to such a degree that they are also anti-social. They are often abused by their parents during childhood, and bullied by the not-so-emo kids in school. Eventually, they grow up to distrust humanity as a whole and end up working as cashiers, security guards and bloggers.

Where to find them

With such distrust that zombies have for society, they can frequently be heard whining and complaining about everything in life. In their point of view, life is always unfair, and never in their favour. These whines and complaints can be heard or seen in online games, pubs, TV shows, and blogs, and can touch on everything from Chuck Norris to their ingrown toenails.

Another common sign of zombies is the way they do not care about everything. Or so they claim. "Everything" in this case consists of primarily of their outer appearance and the attempts of other people trying to initiate conversations with them. Shabby clothings in public, and ignoring greetings online are sure signs of zombies.

Other ways to identify a zombie include denials that they whine, and egocentric arguments, and blogs that criticize blogs that discuss people who blog about bloggers.

History of Zombies

Zombies were first discovered in Africa circa 400 BC, where they fed mainly on the spaghetti shoots that grow in the endless savanna of Eastern Africa. These zombies were slow, and unresponsive to foreigners, making them the perfect food for the cannibal tribes that migrated near their native lands.

By the 15th century, zombies were introduced to Europe when slavers found their taste preferable to the scurvy-infected slaves they were eating. They realized that zombies were easy to rear, and cost little to feed, as they were willing to feed on the dying slaves themselves, forming a small ecological food chain on the slaver ships.

Zombies were popular in 16th century Scotland as the main ingredient in Haggis. Wild zombies were caught by hunters by leaving sheeps in cages that snap shut once a zombie enters the cage to satisfy their sexual cravings. But by the 18th century, the Scots find sheep innards more savoury than zombie flesh, and zombies were replaced by sheep guts in haggis soon after.

In early 19th century, with the introduction of animal rights in Europe, Asia and the Americas due to radical animal activists, zombies became a source of food no longer. People were willing to take them in as pets, and became "part of the family" as in the cases of dogs and cats. But unlike other house pets, these zombies eventually evolved to understand and use rudimentary speech, and soon became "part of the society".

Modern zombies are still capable of several words and phrases at most, mainly lines like "FUCK!", "What the FUCK!" and "Why the FUCK!", if they speak at all.