27th Oct 2022
Tried to arrange for a call, but she seemed really busy and I couldn't stay up beyond 12am on Monday since I've to get up for school at 6am.
Tried to arrange for a call on Tuesday and even asked to meet, but she wanted to keep the timing of the call flexible, and she was staying at her sister's for the week, not to mention she was really busy again, getting home only at midnight. She did show me a photo of her Zoom meeting so that seemed really sincere, but I can't tell if she was really really busy or she was being very nice in the sense that she was trying to pad my fall somehow. On the bright side, after considering the possibility of the latter, I texted her an apology instead, and she suggested meeting last night.
This weekend then.
After working out for three out of the four days last weekend using only the leg day schedule of my long strength-training workout format, it seems like my lower body strength is pretty good now. To be honest, by typical gym standards, I am weak - I was squatting with 26kg only.
But I could run up four stories in my army boots with my full laptop bag while skipping steps all the way, reaching my destination only breathing hard mildly and comfortably in my mask without needing to breathe in through my mouth.
IIRC the best I had done last semester was three floors, and I breathed harder and sweated more at the end.
29th Oct 2022
Agreed to meet on Sunday.
Starting to lag this week, and it's only the third week. Can tell the rest of the class has slowed down since the second week too, which means they didn't pace themselves as I'd thought.
But I think I'm lagging only because of the issue with her and the lack of sleep from it.
Working out twice or thrice a week is still worrisome despite the workouts being longer, probably because they're much less intense while designed solely for building strength rather than for training cardio stamina.
I may gain weight by the fifteenth week, and hopefully lose more during the coming clinical.
Tried Jollybee last night, after all these years, and it turned out to be pretty good value for money, aside from the drinks, and more salty than other big fast food chains. In fact it feels like they used less fats and more salt, which probably is the cheaper option.
So there's no fee to pay to extend my miles at Flying Blue, might have to spend S$400 to fly to Bali just to do that. Plus another S$200-300 on food and accomodation over a weekend, so makes it a S$700 weekend trip. Not cheap at all.
Having a dinner with friends tonight. Not sure what to say about my relationship right now since we're only meeting tomorrow, tentatively.
Currently intend to just be honest about it, that I don't know how it's going.
Yeah I even dreamt of her last night, that's how seriously I'm taking it this time for some reason. First time this has ever happened.
30th Oct 2022
So we were supposed to make plans today to meet and talk but she apologised and said she's still busy outside at almost noon. At this point I can't tell if she's messing with me or really is that incredibly busy despite the fact that Deepavali was a week ago and her cousins had flown back last night.
She sounded sincere but the fact remains that she's been delaying this for a week now. If it is right to gauge a person by his/her words, then this is fine, she's just too busy to meet and talk. If I am to gauge a person by his/her actions, then she's not very keen on talking but also wants to let me down gently by waiting for me to give up. Or she isn't sure if she should let go of me.
I may not even be overthinking it - these days, she doesn't respond immediately to my texts even on weekends as compared to her quick relatively quick replies in the first month, and often she'd go online but doesn't read my texts until much later, even on weekends, like today, when I texted her at about 9.30am only for her to respond at about 11.30am. It's now 6pm.
What's going on?
Yeah it's hard to focus on school now, even though it's Sunday, the day I usually spend preparing for the week ahead.
Yet I can't press her because if she's really as occupied as she sounds, then I'd be adding pressure on her for something she's already promised to do, akin to nagging.
Might have to fly to Bali for a weekend to keep my miles at Flying Blue from expiring. A bit of a waste of money but it's the cheapest option.
Came across some videos that have led to a better understanding of our capsule coffees work.
Nespresso's coffee capsules tend to be rather dark in terms of roast level, no matter how light they say they can be, as compared to actual coffee. This is done for a reason.
The other fact: these capsules can make coffees with much less beans (in weight) than what baristas use, ml for ml. What kind of magic is this? Can you extract more coffee somehow with the capsule machine? Why don't baristas do it already, since this would save them SO MUCH money? Isn't over-extraction a thing in coffee, hence the importance of a consistent grind?
Reason is that the capsules hide the lack of substance with a heavier flavour that dark roasts provide. There isn't actually more coffee, they just dilute what would have been much more bitter brew into something more drinkable. This is why the coffees generally have less character than coffees you grind and brew yourself, unless all you want is the nutty chocolate-like profile that dark roasts have. This is why you cannot taste fruity or grassy notes from capsule coffees. And this is why that red Napoli capsule, the darkest of the Nespresso selections, is the most bitter stuff you can ever find which contains absolutely no profile but bitterness, roasted to just a mere second away from becoming charcoal.
And it's not crema on top of capsule coffees, it's really as you probably suspect from the start - it's foam. You can literally put coffee into a blender and create the same effect on an even greater magnitude.
So this is the truth behind capsule coffee.
31st Oct 2022
She dragged and dragged, but finally, after asking her to give a concrete answer before bed last night, she's finally made things clear at 3am - she wasn't fooling around but also was not ready for a full-blown rs. My interpretation is that she doesn't want a full-blown rs with me. On second thought, it could also be because she has unresolved issues that prevents her from committing into one.
Regardless, I will miss some aspects of our rs this time. On top of being a very sweet woman, she'd shown me what real sex was like, eg what it is like to have sex with a woman who actually knows how to handle a dick. This perhaps played a part in this end too, that I cannot provide the level of sex that she might be used to.
I guess a lot of what I like about her was the sex. Her being the first slim woman with a good figure in my love life, able to bring sex to a level I hadn't experienced before. Perhaps it was a lot less healthy than my past rs, given that it is hard to list positive things about our newly ended rs that have no relation to sex.
Her intelligence was great, but she was hesitant to voice her thoughts, so the latter kinda killed the former. Her career was the best among the women I've dated, but over the months it was clear it really plays only a tiny part given that I don't do big trips these days, there is nothing big to pay for.
In any case, it's over, and I am glad to finally understand why a woman like her can still be single at our age. Now, time to take another break for maybe a month or two. Actually, idk, feel like swiping again. It is a fact that it felt sad to read her reply, but now that I've processed it by typing it here, not much feelings are left.
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