Rant 043 / Snipers for Dummies

Introduction

Snipers are a well-known health hazard. The Ministry of Health has denounced the use of snipers in everyday life, and has introduced a heavy fine on the employment of snipers in the private sector.

Identifying a sniper

A sniper is a person specializing in shooting from a concealed position, and usually from longer ranges than a regular person. To define the term "sniper" clearly, one must pay close attention to what this description says.

A "position" can mean many things. In dictionary.com, "position" has 18 definitions. Therefore, in this context, the most logical choice would be "a place or location". From this, we can derive the meaning of "position of concealment" as a hidden location.

Let me explain this with a simple metaphor. If you hide a gun in your pants, it is a concealed weapon. It's location, your pants, would be the hidden location, or the "position of concealment". Understand?

In most cases, snipers are male. Thus, men who are good at shooting from hidden places, with a longer range than the regular guys, are snipers.

But there aren't many things a man can shoot with. Obviously, the "shooting" must be a reference to pissing, or ejaculation. Since the penis is usually hidden by an underwear, pants or vagina, logically, the groin area must be the concealed location. Adding these to the above incomplete definition of the sniper, we can now see that a sniper is "a man who can piss and ejaculate further than most guys".

So how do you know who can "piss and ejaculate further than most guys"? There are many ways. Use your imagination.

If you're a man, it can't be too hard to observe the ranges of other men. I mean, we do see lots of other grown men do that to other men in the public washrooms, so it can't be that difficult.

If you're a woman, it's so easy I don't see the need to go any further.

Dealing with a sniper who is hunting you

So now you can tell a sniper from the other guys. How do you avoid being hunted( and found) by one?

Snipers are known to finish their jobs with one shot by using "head-shots". This is done by shooting at the heads of their victims. Getting urine or semen on your head may not be lethal, but it will definitely humiliate you and give you nightmares for the rest of your life. Unless you're female or gay, in which case getting "facials" may be fine for some of you.

Avoiding this may be easier than you think. Simply cover your head with something waterproof, like a plastic bag. Breathing may become harder, but it sure is better than breathing piss and come. For best results, tie it around your neck so that he cannot pull it off.

Counter-sniping

A very effective way to deal with snipers is to snipe him before he does you! But simply shooting at his head is not enough to stop a well-trained sniper; a shot in the eye or mouth is necessary. This will blind him or choke him respectively, effectively disabling him.

However, one must take note the sexual preferences of the sniper before shooting at his mouth, lest you fail at disabling him and even excite him further. This may be very hard to accomplish in the various likely situations, so avoid shooting at his mouth if his eyes are open.

Aftermath

It is recommended that you report any snipers you find to the Ministry of Health. Health officials will then use the appropriate procedures to maintain public hygiene.

Myths

1. Snipers do not breed in stagnant waters.
2. Peter North is not a sniper.
3. Your dad may be a sniper.
4. "Facials" are not hygienic.
5. Your mom.
6. Sniping is delicate work. One uncontrolled shiver of orgasmic joy and your shot will be off.
7. There are no studies to confirm the dermatological benefits of "facials".

This is inferior to the previous post! But then, I'm only practising.

Rant 042 / Using Pontianaks As An Anti-Plagiarism Tool for Dummies

Plagiarism is a serious matter. When someone plagiarizes you, it is very hard to prove unless both of you have evidences of when each of you completed the work(s). The original author must take take serious actions against the offender. It is perfectly legal for you to murder that person, or make use of whatever advanced weaponry you have.

To prevent plagiarism/piracy, make use of the copyright laws. It is imperative that you also have the support of other societies/people, as a back-up. I recommend a bomoh. Failing that, you can also attempt to befriend a pontianak. The search may be somewhat difficult, but if you have read enough books written by Russell Lee, you can easily find one anywhere in South-East Asia.

According to Malay folklore, a pontianak is an undead woman, and is usually unfriendly. Friendly undeads usually appear only in documentary films like "Casper the Friendly Ghost". Therefore, in the case of a pontianak, one must never forget who one is dealing with - a woman.

A pontianak usually appears as a beautiful woman, often using a cheap perfume that smells like frangipani( everyone knows good perfumes don't smell like any flowers they've ever smelled). Therefore, you can easily identify pontianaks as "beautiful women wearing cheap perfumes". (Alternatively, you can interpret these clues in such a way that concludes that "women with body odour that smells like frangipani" are pontianaks. Either way, they fit the clues given perfectly.)

Such a description fits many women, and in Singapore, a majority can be found in Geylang. Actually I'm not sure if all of them wear perfumes at all, but I assume at least some of them do. And among these women who wear perfumes, the beautiful ones are pontianaks. This is getting eerie.

However, readers must take note that "beauty is in the eyes of the beholder". Thus, all of them are beautiful to one man or another. Therefore, all women who wear cheap perfumes are pontianaks.

Now you see how easy it is to find pontianaks?

The difficulty really lies in the befriending. According to Malay folklore, pontianaks stay in the mortal plane to seek revenge and terrorize villages, making them terrorists. These undead terrorists are truly the worst breed of them all, simply because only a sharp object driven into the back of their necks can stop them.

By simple deductions, you will realize that if Osama bin Laden had sent these terrorists for the operations on Sep 11, he wouldn't have lost so many of his men's lives. This would have been one of the most cost-effective operations of the entire history of Terrorism.

And you must not forget these women only terrorize villages. Of course, they also eat babies and harm pregnant women. But if you're not a "fucking baby", or pregnant, or staying in a village, you are perfectly safe.

Now, to befriend terrorists, you may find financing them to be one of the easiest way. One clue as to how to do so is that pontianaks feed on blood and intestines. These can be obtained in your local wet market, if you live in Singapore. Any butcher would sell you intestines and maybe blood, but it may not come cheap.

Before you ask, yes, the intestines should be fine even if the rectum/anus/asshole/butt cheeks are still attached. I mean, if they can only afford to use cheap perfumes, they can't possibly be too picky with food.

After treating her/them to such a feast, you should find her/them more approachable. You see, people are like that: if you give them something good for free, they instantly respond with gratitude. It's an inborn instinct. At that stage, feel free to chat her/them up, ask for her/their numbers or anything you'd do to makes friends with her/them.

Now, you have a solid defense against plagiarism. Once you discover a plagiarist, wait for him/her to have a baby, then inform your friend, the pontianak. If not, kidnap him/her and bring him/her to a village. The best scenario would be if the plagiarist is a fucking baby, in which case the work is already done for you. But very likely, the plagiarist won't be one, cos he/she wouldn't have the guts to steal your work in the first place.



Finally, a post which I think should be entertaining!

Rant 041 / Your Ass Is So Big, You Get Vertigo When You Sit Down

Too much Jesus Juice

Want to buy a vowel?

Luke: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

School approaches. I sense great amounts of work. There will be no escape. You can run but you cannot hide. You can cover your face but the fists of Reality will hit you still.

And so it comes. The final days, drawing near. Everything that were buried comes to live again. The time will come when I live only for the weekends. Again.

So it had been. So it will be again. History has an uncanny knack of repeating itself. Never exactly the same, to be sure, but you can definitely tell someone out there has a fetish for the "Replay" button.

Time moves on, with or without me. I type this tonight, trying to drag time with me. Trying to slow things down so that I won't see tomorrow until I'm ready. But I can never ready! Something always needs to be done. Something always needs to be prepared. Something.

Time slows when you do nothing. Or so you'd think. Years of propaganda have paid off. Now I tell you that no matter what you do, time never slows, and never reverses. You can throw a tantrum, watch paint dry, go hunting with Dick Cheney, watch water boil, but you can never force now to be now again.

Time is merciless. He kills what he kills.

Time killed my joy.

His minions, the dreaded clocks, are no less cold-blooded. Whilst dreaming my beautiful dreams, whilst sleeping my peaceful sleep, they push me unceremoniously back to the most terrifying facet of life: Reality.

Their force is unstoppable, not because it is strong, but because I know I cannot, I should not, stop it. I have no choice, but to face Reality in all its naked glory, fangs and all.

There is no alternative. Time has me firmly in his claws. His demonic features, twisted beyond redemption, are filled with sadistic glee as he shoves me forward to face what is deemed my future. He knows I want to stay right here and now, and there is not a thing that I can do to stop him.

There is no hopes of salvation in me to dash. I know there's nothing that can save me from its unbreakable grasp. All I can do is to surrender to his unceasing efforts, and brace myself for the impact.




A fatalistic approach to Time.

Rant 040 / In The Land Of The Blind, The One-Eyed Man Gets All The Chicks

There are those who believe kids these days are growing up too fast.

There are those who believe kids these days are getting too much work.

There are those who believe kids these days don't get a proper childhood.

And, of course, there are always those who believe kids these days should just drop dead.


Where did they learn all those bad language anyway? I remember when I was in primary school I learnt the phrase " What the Hell.." and "Where the Hell.." and kept using it till one day in a class visit to some boring place when I pointed at a dried sea cucumber and loudly asked," What the Hell is that?" And the guide, probably annoyed by my efforts in making my language more colourful, replied," That's not from Hell; that's from the sea."

Humiliating as it was, it did serve to remind me that grownups prefer to hear good ol' vanilla English. And it worked all the way till the Army, in which we were taught a completely contradictory lesson: that people want the foulest, crudest and most disgusting language from you, be it Mandarin, English, Hokkien, Malay, Tamil or Punjabi.

So we learnt all sorts of exciting new phrases to enliven the atmosphere, and through the process, gained new insights into the different cultures of our new friends.

But back to children. I once met a 10-year-old kid who's married with 3 children, all because his birthday falls on the 29th of Feb. He still lives with his papa and momma.

But back to children. We must admit that times have changed, just like the size of Big Mac. Once upon a time the burger was too big for any Asian mouths. These days, it's just... puny.

But some changes are pointless. Like the piano lessons all parents want their kids to attend. How many of them will still remember the things they've learnt when they truly need it in the future? Whether it is to play for bands or choir, or to impress girls, they will most likely have forgotten most of the things that are necessary by the time they are given the chance to use it.

And the easy access to pornography does nothing beneficial for any children. And we all know how some kids do look up such filthy stuff even when they're only in primary school. Or, in the case of countries with TV porn, even younger than that.

Some negative effects of such early exposure are already visible. Women have complained that their ex-boyfriends change their positions very frequently during sex, just like the actors do in the bongo films.

But of course, there exist some parents who do not expect anything from their children. These parents are satisfied when their kids graduate from any school. It is perfectly acceptable, to these parents, for the children to put no efforts whatsoever in finding a job after graduation.

They may be in the minorities, though I'm not too sure about that. In any case, kids who do not grow up will learn to do so some day. If they want to survive anyway.

I cannot deny I'm no expert in kids. I'm not goods with kids. Kids fear me. It seems I have this Children-Repulsion Aura which is always present around me. I may smile at them or something, but generally the response I get is not encouraging.

I really like it, since I get annoyed by noisy children easily. Like my neighbour's grandchildren who play at the lift lobby every evening. It's not really their fault for being noisy; most of us were noisy at that age. Probably the genes.

But to hear their shouts and loud laughter while I'm busy concentrating on my games, especially HOMM V, sometimes ruins my train of thoughts. It is merely annoying, but I believe it'd get useful someday.

There was once when a TV actor admitted during an interview that his way of dealing with noisy children on night flights is to throw his pillow at them. It works most of the time, he claims. And when it doesn't work, he stands up and shouts at them. Works perfectly. I've got to try that the next time the noise gets on my nerves.

Rant 039 / Fatal Papercuts

I realized my blog contains very little details of the current matters in my life. This seems to be different from what most blogs are doing, which is to be a diary for the public to see. Even so, it is not my intention to tell anyone much about my real life. I use this name in most online communities I join and I prefer to keep my true identity separate from this. Whenever you see this nick(Senor Hybrido or just simply Hybrido) in any forums/games, it's most likely me.


I also know that there are numerous grammatical errors in my rants. My englan iz bad, okya? mY taipeeng n spairleeng r teh suX! foUrgeev mee!! tis iz haw yoo spiao spairleeng rite?

The first step to change, is to admit there is a problem. When I state that I have a problem, believe me, I am acknowledging that the problem is there and I am willing to change it. What I worry about is that there are problems I have not admitted to, problems I do not notice, or unconsciously deny.

This is very plausible because there have been several cases before. No details will be given here because the past is the past and what needs to be remembered is there they were there and they were solved.

But these problems were found only by fluke. Usually it is from some comments made in some random conversations by friends, or my observations of how others behave in situations I have little experience in.

One problem, though, I find extreme difficulty in changing. One of the greatest sins of all times, Sloth is indeed a widespread problem in the world today. If laziness does not exist, the world would have advanced a hundred times faster than it had. And I wouldn't be here whining about myself being lazy.

I figured that one solution to my laziness is to have more motivation to do what I need to do. Now the problem is there's little that motivates me. Hmm...

And next comes the part about how people would admit there mistakes and not willing to change it. They try to forget that they have a problem and will only admit to it only when they're left with no choice. And they try to get it out of their minds as soon as they can.

I do not know if I am doing this too. I hope someone tells me if I do. It gets onto people's nerves when your problem is as obvious as having it tattooed onto your face, and you do nothing about it.

One major problem I happen to think of at the moment is punctuality. Or the lack of it, anyway. It is so common among the people I know, it appears to be some kind of tradition or native custom to me. It is almost like it'd be rude to show up at the time that was agreed upon. In fact, people actually expect others to be late. When I organize outings, I know no one will arrive early. Few will be punctual. And most will be late, be it 5 minutes or 1 hour.

This is not right! There is no logic in being late all the time! What would be the point of agreeing on the time then? The time agreed upon will become the time that shall be considered as "too early" and that only coming after that time will be considered as honouring the verbal agreement?

Where is the sense?

In fact, people are known to arrive late intentionally because they know others will be late. So now, we approach the situation where people will arrive late because they know everyone else will arrive late and they hate waiting. And the cycle goes on until someday, it'll be customary to arrive 1 day after the agreed time. Then people will see this as an unbreakable, time-honoured, ancient tradition that must be respected.

That seems impossible, of course. But given enough time, the word "impossible" is meaningless.

Being late is not supposed to be acceptable, unless you have a very good reason for it. Imagine if one day, you got hit by a car and starts to bleed in your lungs. You arrive in the hospital to discover the only doctor who's available is busy taking a dump. He'll be arriving shortly when he's done. Meanwhile enjoy your stay in the A&E. Oh, don't mind the blood filling your lungs, we'll be sticking a tube in there to pump it out.





With great power comes great responsibility. But with great responsibility doesn't always comes great power!

Rant 038 / Soylent Green Is An Essential Part Of Any Healthy Diets

Every death is significant. In multi-player games or real life, every single death matters.

In games, everytime someone dies while they're doing something, a blow is struck to the team. Its effects may not be visible early on, but if you are able to see the big picture, you will find that your team has just lost something.

In DoTA, the effects of each death is usually visible. Towers that may be far from the very mobile frontline suddenly become the frontline. Doubtless, someone will be there as quickly as they can to protect the towers, but the damage would have been done, and the next time the frontline is pushed back again, you'd have lost that 1 second that you may need to kill that last creep attacking it. Usually this 1 second is negligible, but in certain matches, every hit, every second, counts.

And in FPS games like Natural Selection, this is even more true. Each death makes it more likely that the team will lose the important spots of the map.

Like in the Marines, other Marines may not see the effects of their deaths straight away, but the Commander can always see that strategic position that he could have fortified if only that cockeyed player didn't die. A Marine who dies building a Resource Tower is not only feeding the Alien player 3 resources, but also loses the Resource Tower to the Aliens.

And on the Kharaa(Alien) side, since each hive only spawns 1 player per 10s, and the team starts with only 1 hive, each death is a bigger blow to the team. While the Marines may have up to 3 Portals within 5 mins, Aliens will never have their 2nd hive up until the 6th min, usually.

And each time a higher lifeform dies, it is a huge blow to the team. Every higher lifeform requires resources(or money, in a sense) to evolve, and its death means the player will be respawned as the basic Skulk again. And for each death of any lifeforms above the Gorge, the effects can be visible straight away.

The Lerk who's gassing the Marines dies, and suddenly all the Marines are harder to kill since they're no longer being "softened" by the gas.

A Fade, the main killing machine, lowers the killing power of the team drastically with its death.

And an Onos, needless to say, must never die. With its 950hp and 950 armour with Carapace upgrade, it was never meant to be killed. A death of an Onos may cause the team to lose, since it is the meat shield of the team. With the biggest hitbox (surface area where it can be hit), it is meant to draw enemy fire with the sheer ease of hitting it.



And we mustn't forget real life. Truly, all deaths are regrettable. Regardless of the social status of the deceased, it is always a sad event for the world.

Every life has a story and none of them are ever "just some story". These epics are more complex, more unique than any ever written by human hands.

Take for example, your great-grandfather. It doesn't matter who you are.

You may have been told he's some drunkard who died from pneumonia decades ago and basically not much else. You'd be surprised if anyone who knows him better tells you his story.

It is entirely possible he may have been, once upon a time, a salt smuggler in China. Yes, salt was once a valuable commodity that enjoyed it own black market. That would certainly make an incredible story, what with the secret societies and brotherhoods in those days. Who knows, maybe your classmate's granddad was one of your great-grandfather's "brothers".

Or maybe he was a Western pharmacist. Back in those days, that would mean he was well-educated, rich, and knew Latin! But then he probably ended up being a victim of the Cultural Revolution in China. Which explains how he became the drunkard in the end.

Hell, he may be a martial artist, a magician, or the village idiot. Who knows? Though, I'd have to admit, being the village idiot would make his life story much duller than anticipated.

But this is only an example! Once, you may have seen him as "just another guy from back then". In the future, your descendants will see you the same way. Therefore, in the end, everyone is "just another guy". This means everyone's story is an incredible journey not even Tolkien's Lord of the Rings can beat.

Since only a very tiny fraction of all people actually write their own biographies, think of how many masterpieces are being lost each day! All those useful knowledge, experience and wonderful memories, disappears with their last breaths. What's left is the bits and pieces of their lives residing in other people's memories, which will, too, eventually fade away. A heart-rending thought.





The introduction portion of the movie "Idiocracy" does have a point. In a world like ours where the successful people aren't having children, and the poor are mating like rabbits, our world, in the future, may turn out to be the way as the film describes; a world where the President of your country is the 4 times World Wrestling Champion and WWE Superstar. Whoa, just imagine someone like Booker T being the US President... Whoa!

CAN YOU DIG IT... SUCKAAAAAA!!!!!!

Rant 037 / Everything Gets Better When You're Drunk, Except Your Driving

There is a 0.1% cohort who doesn't experience Death. This mysterious 0.1% includes several ethnic groups such as undeads, annoying in-laws, and the best DoTA players ("OMFG!! I HIT HIM 7 FUCKIN TIMES AND HE JUST WON'T FUCKIN DIE!!! WTFOMGBBQHAX!!!!").

But this isn't answering the question. Answering the question is not my intent. :P




Sometimes, some laws, some rules, are just illogical. Take for example, the minimum age for buying alcohol in Singapore: 18 years old. Then the minimum age for a guy to go for NS: 16.5 years of age.

So, a 17-year-old kid joins the army. His girlfriend leaves him while he's in basic training because she "met this guy who's such a good listener". During the course he gets bullied by the other recruits who are much older than him. Finally he gets out for a weekend and wants to drink it all off. Sorry dude, you're underage. But the minimum age for sexual intercourse is 16. So his friends bring him to a whore. Sorry dudes I don't know how to do it. I've never seen a porno film because I'm not 21 yet.

Of course, that's out of point. The point is that they're telling us that by 16.5 years old you're old enough to kill but not old enough to drink! Where's the sense in that? I kill better when I'm drunk, for goodness' sake! Especially with a car!

But sometimes we are given no alternatives. The law is the best we can make, so far, in a world like ours. A world where the right thing to do isn't always the right thing to do. The right thing to do is to tell your girlfriend she's getting fat when she really is. That's honesty! That's the correct way! Or is it?

It's like trying to build a room within a sphere of space with straight walls. It will never be a perfect fit, but if we can just make those walls as small as we can, we may be able to build an almost spherical room. We will just have to amend and refine the rules.

Of course, many logical things can seem illogical, if you can see them from the right angle. Take the hospital for example. You aren't allowed to smoke there, but morphine's fine. Or computers. We use computers to email, instead of writing on papers, so that we won't kill as many trees. If only you know how much pollution making computer parts causes. And the pollution from creating the electricity you're using.

But people only want to see what they want to see. That's one way Man can define reality. What they do not want to see simply stops existing. This may not seem right, but undeniably, so far so good.

In the end, I can only be sure of one thing: only the perceived truth is important, but it will always be a fragile world that we live in.



One sign of overwhelming piracy will be that more copies of softwares getting returned than are actually sold. In other words, negative sales.

There is nothing wrong with gay marriage. I say all homosexuals have the right to suffer as we do!

A succubus is a demon that sucks the life out of healthy men. I was once a healthy man. (This works better if you're married)




I admit that some of the things here have appeared elsewhere. But if they aren't pissing anyone off, I'm cool with it.




If anyone reads the Dark Tower series by Stephen King, and reaches the end of the last book, I recommend that you stop reading after the epilogue, when the author tells you to stop. It's a beautiful ending if you just keep the last scene outside the Tower as the end of the story, but the "real" ending after the epilogue may really ruin your experience. Seriously. But the curiosity will probably push you to flip the pages, like I did. And then, you will regret it, like I do.

But there are those who say that good endings are blasphemy. Or something like that. I find good endings more satisfying. Everytime I find a bad ending where the main character(s) die, I think " Bugger just want to make more money by making half-assed sequels." The best sort of ending for the author would be those that makes the story start all over again. Doesn't give the warm and fuzzy feeling but you can take it as an ending, or not.

Right now in the series titled " A Song of Ice and Fire", half a dozen "main characters" have already died. I'm almost confused about who the hero is supposed to be. LOL!

Suddenly, some bad guys don't seem so bad anymore, but some good guys are turning out to be bad. For example, in the first book, the guy I took for the "hero" of the series dies at end. And the supposed advisor and friend he has turn out to be a bad guy who can be bought by the highest bidder. And later I find that this guy isn't really as bad as I thought- he's not a pawn, but is playing the game in a totally different way from the others!

This series is the best series I have ever read. The story is incredible and I couldn't stop reading till I find that I had to read the same paragraphs 2-3 times before I understood what I was reading.

And unlike the Wheel of Time series, where all the women eventually turn out to think and talk alike in many ways, characters in this series are unique. Yes, you will be disappointed when that guy you were rooting for dies suddenly, or the villain who really pissed you off turn out to be a better guy than you thought! But that's exactly what makes it so unpredictable, so different from other books in the fantasy genre. And everything that is mentioned in the book are important! All the small little details you'll probably forget later on will come back and make you think " Hey isn't this guy mentioned somewhere earlier?"

But if you want to read something less complex, something about humanity, the Sword of Truth is a pretty good series too! It's all about the human spirit, as some reviewers say. It doesn't have as much magic as Wheel of Time but it makes up for it with the possibility that it will touch you if you're really deep into the book.

And if you want to be touched to such a degree that you will weep, I suggest the Runelords series. The first book is ownage in terms of its ability to touch your heart. The rest aren't as good as the first book but are still pretty good.

The author did attempt to use the same trick in the later books but the first will always be the saddest. The series may seem to have ended at Book 4 but in fact, Book 6 is coming out soon! Thank goodness! The end of Book 4 was impressive, but not truly satisfying.

And 3 years ago, it was announced that a movie was going to be made from this series. Unfortunately it didn't seem to go too well. But the movie rights have been sold to Wasatch Films in August last year. Woot!

Of course, all readers of the fantasy genre want magic! More magic, more fun! The Wheel of Time is full of magic. Every book is full of magic because almost everything being done takes magic.

But the author lost his knack to impress gradually in the series. Book 1-3 were very good. Book 4-5 were pretty cool. After that it was just the addiction that kept me going. Book 9 did show his attempt to salvage the remains of his reputation, very nice, but Book 10 is crap all over again except for its end. He tried to make the later books very detailed, the way Tolkien did. But readers no longer want to read such useless details like the laces on the sleeves and such...

No, we want details that will help with the plot later, like whispers heard but ignored, and later turn out to be clues to who the true villains are. Like what George R. R. Martin is doing with the Song of Ice and Fire. It's true there isn't much magic in the series but the amazingly twisted plot more than offsets it.




Mixed nuts = acne pwnage


I have actually shrunk my appetite to 2 small meals a day! Yay! Now to the next step of the plan: exercise. Bleh...