Rant 1278 / Adventures Can Be Had Without Leaving The Country

28th Jan 2023

A rough plan and pitch is coming up.

Played some Tyranny over the last few months. The initial portion didn't feel promising, expected it to be the theme of this game, but turns out the time limit does go away eventually, which I very much prefer.

Now it gets interesting.

Combat is simple. The real selling point is the decisions, which I keep worrying would make me feel bad later on. It's happened in a few games before, where seemingly good choices led to bad consequences for the parties involved. The road to Hell is paved with good intentions indeed.

Now that I've only got a week to play it, there isn't much time remaining!

29th Jan 2023

0828 - meeting her later. Time to clear things up a little, since I've been having trouble interpreting her behaviour in a consistent manner.

The rough plan needs to be smoothened, the details looked into and clarified.

31st Jan 2023

Found out the night before that my ear canals are relatively small which means my ear plugs need to be the smaller ones, like HoneyWell Bilsom 303S, the 3M Yellow Neons, or the Radians Evader. Can sleep with them on, so next sale, going to get a box or two.

Went for my third Hep B jab last Thursday and then my fourth covid vaccine this morning. So far so good.

Anyway she really is the quiet type, but fortunately it went quite well. Seems like a nice person, though with minimal initiative. Maybe shy, maybe doesn't meet new people often. Need a few more dates to understand her better.

Also the slimmest woman I've ever dated, and almost my height too, making her very unusual as far as my love life is concerned.

03rd Feb 2023

So matcha is nice but it doesn't make me visit the bathroom in the morning, which is pretty important given that when there is school or work, I get up two hours before leaving home for that. Not enough caffeine. Also, less bitter than I remembered, maybe it's because I accidentally added 78ml of water instead of 60ml, or maybe this brand is just less bitter. Will find out later when I try it again.

So the Therapeutic Arch Support from 3M's Futuro works for me somehow. I've been getting an ache at the front of my left arch that worsens when I rest my weight on it, and this has been going on occasionally for years, except now I have to stand for half a day during my clinicals. Last clinical, it wasn't around till the final week when I started working out my calves with one-legged calf raises that places a lot of stress on each foot, but it gradually got worsen over the week till the end of my clinical. The upcoming clinical, it's already around now, the week before it begins, so something had to be done, which gives me such relief when this worked so far over the last few days, albeit tested for hours on bare foot only.

It feels so soft, I didn't expect it to work, but it did, and if necessary, it has a harder piece to swap with the initial support piece inside. The idea is to get used to wearing this using the softer one, then move on to the harder one, but so far it feels like I can take to the softer one easily and probably won't need the change unless it breaks or softens further.

Anyways, thought this was flat foot, but so far, the pain is only at the front of the arch closer to the ball of my foot whereas flat feet involve an ache at the back near the heels. Will mention this to the doctor if I ever need to visit him again for whatever reason.

06th Feb 2023

First day at IMH, didn't do anything, the entire day was for orientation. Apparently the ward I'm assigned to is for the Early Psychosis Intervention Programme, so my patients are young adults with mild psychosis.

There are so many subtypes of psychiatric wards, it's another eye-opener.

Eyewear has certainly gotten significantly more expensive since my last visit to the optimetrist four years ago. Back then, Zeiss lenses and cheap frames only came up to S$400+ IIRC, but now the same Zeiss lenses cost $400+ already, so with my cheap at about S$100+, they added up to S$600+. Was actually considering some Lindberg frames with engraved rims like a painted ridge around the lenses, but those were over S$1000, far beyond what I'm willing to spend.

17th Feb 2023

Last today of my attachment to IMH. It's afternoon shift today, so there's time for this in the morning. I like how during attachments there is no work to be brought home, but shopping online becomes a challenge as my time becomes limited and inflexible. For example, I want to support a local company selling rejected/excess fresh produce, but they can only offer delivery time slots that are at least four hours long, and I cannot guarantee that I can be home for such long stretches, even on Saturdays since it's more important to go on dates with her. Meanwhile, even though Fairprice offers 2-hour slots, they run out like 3-4 days ahead, so if I am looking at Saturday morning slots, the cart needs to be checked out on Wednesday or even Tuesday.

Not even going to consider frozen food wholesalers who can only offer whole-day slots. This is how people undervalue their time - being flexible with time can help you save so much money.

The issue is not with my freezer though, since it's packed to the brim just prior to this attachment; the challenge is with fresh produce, or fresh fruits to be specific. I have been eating mostly fruits and meal deliveries this fortnight, so the former run out within half a week, and it has become necessary to visit the market for their rather expensive options. The idea of ordering only fruits has also crossed my mind, but it's yet another challenge to hit the minimum spend for free delivery with such an order without exceeding the maximum capacity of my fridge, or choosing unreasonably expensive fruits like cherries.

So a lot of my patients are young adults who got too stressed out over their studies or even loss of a job due to being unable to meet the expectations of their parents or their own expectations that were derived from their parents', leading to hallucinations and suicide. A lot of self-centredness too. 

Saw first-hand how different psychiatric nursing is. Focus on hygiene is there, but minimal. Patient interaction is also minimal. 95% of the energy spent by nurses seems to be on observation and recording anything even slightly out of the ordinary. Raised voices between two patients, even if only one of them did it, goes into the routine report. Discreet hand-holding also gets into the report. Mumbling to herself? Report. Tremors? Report. Drinking a lot of water? Report. Patient takes a bit of coaxing to take her medication? Report. It's incredible how much gets into the very succinct reports for every single patient for every shift, and I can understand how all these little details help their doctors make better judgements.

18th Feb 2023

Second date since we matched last year. Let's see how it goes. For some reason, aside from her, I've been on a dry spell recently. 

Got to prepare for Monday's attachment. Paediatrics this time.

21st Feb 2023

First time carrying a baby. His parents were touring the ICU with the MSW in preparation for his heart surgery tomorrow, and he woke up during their absence. We student nurses distracted him for a while but eventually he started crying. Checked his diaper, but it was clean. Unlikely to be hungry so soon either. Hence at this point, we decided to try to carry him to his feet, and that stopped his crying for a while, resuming only after a few minutes. We figured out he prefered that his feet didn't touch the bed, so that meant he wanted to be carried. Carrying him stopped his crying instantly, and letting his feet touch the bed made him resume it just as quickly.

So we carried him for probably half an hour till another nurse brought a pram.

26th Feb 2023

Just like in the medical wards and the psychiatric wards, there are patients in the paediatric wards who can be discharged but have nowhere to go beyond that point and are hence stuck in the hospital.

While medical wards tend to have elderly patients who are waiting for months for a place in the nursing homes, in the psychiatric wards and paediatric wards, these patients are abandoned by their previous caregivers and there isn't a place in our system for them since their conditions are technically stable enough to go out and live their lives, but require frequent attention from someone with some level of medical training, eg a toddler with intestinal issues who must be fed liquid directly through a tube attached to his intestine past the problematic point(s) and regularly vomits stomach acid since it isn't used and can't drain into the intestines. A physically able adult caregiver could be trained by us (or even me) to handle the automatic pump for feeding, and to regularly extract his stomach acid through his nasogastric tube. However, he has no such caregiver and the facilities provided by our system cannot give him one as well.

I wonder how he will go to school in the future, since education is compulsory. Without a foundation in kindergarten, he won't fare well in primary school, not to mention all the psychological issues he must have by now from the years of living in the ward cared for only by an ever-rotating roster of nurses.

07th Mar 2023

Didn't know my blog actually has real readers. Hi!

12th Mar 2023

Was having our monthly dinner with some friends when the topic of Qing Ming came up, and realised it's at the beginning of the coming month. Totally forgot about it!

Initially expected AirAsia to be the cheapest but Scoot turned out to be even cheaper with far better departure times. Interesting.

Looked around for a while for hotels but the reviews are mostly crap for anything under S$50/night, but then remembered Airbnb, so... it got a lot easier. Managed to find a studio apartment run by some guys who are probably doing it as a side job given the multiple listings and the great reviews, and it was only S$44/night after adding the cleaning fee. Location was... familiar, and after further digging, realised I'd stayed there before, though might not have been the same host.

 

So total for flight and accomodation for this 2N stay is just S$177, hence my budget estimate for this trip is under S$300 total. 

I don't think I'll even get insurance and bring my laptop. With the TV in the apartment, I probably don't need anything beyond my phone.

22nd Mar 2023

Finished Tyranny finally, after all these months. It was a pretty decent game, but the second and third acts, and the ending, they all felt incomplete. They hinted at many things about Kyros, but left them hanging, like whether Kyros was male or female, and then there was the memory of a girl who also touched the resonator. Also, why did they leave Kyros's intent so unclear, like I could interpret her intention as good when everything pretty much pointed the other way, sealing the deal with her personal instructions to the Archon of Shadows to kill me. If she hadn't done that last bit, there would have been plenty of room for interpretation on her past Edicts and orders, lots of ambiguity for what her intentions were. But the fact that she wanted me killed made all her past instructions to be negative. The Edict that began all these, the one I resolved, therefore had been meant to kill both Archons and myself and simultaneously put the blame on our collective incompetence, rather than to motivate everyone to work together and win. The order to have only one Archon to rule the Tiers was not meant to cull the number of warlords now that the entire continent has been conquered, but instead to make sure I die given that I'm the new Archon with little experience as compared to the other three Archons who've been around for centuries.

The Overlord could have been interpreted as a harsh but fair dictator, but with that assassination, there is little doubt she was just a terrible person driven by fear.

Also, I wish I didn't have to kill the Graven Ashe and wipe out his army. Nerat could also have been more fleshed out rather than being portrayed as a bloodthirsty madman. It was clear that initially, both Archons were meant to be different shades of grey, with both good and bad sides, but later on in the game, they were simply order and chaos respectively.

My tray broke the other evening while carrying dinner, breaking another two bowls in the process, with only the largest bowl miraculously surviving. Totally forgot about the small crack spotted months ago. Never going to use a bamboo tray again. Now looking for a metal tray, because I'd rather deal with corrosion than breaking more stuff. Even wood can mould, so what's tarnish compared to that? At least corrosion can be removed by acid, but mould might seep deep into the wood and become extremely challenging to remove.

Ordered a bedsheet set from Robinsons the other day, and now I realise why these things can cost so much. It really is worth the money, especially with the duvet cover (which I filled with a summer blanket).

 

It also came with a cheaper bedsheet set  meant for summer, will try in the future.

27th Mar 2023

Came back from a 2D1N trip to Genting over the weekend. At least now I know for sure Genting isn't worth it anymore.

Maybe Resorts World is trying to recoup their losses from Covid, or maybe they're trying to rake in as much revenue as possible from the new influx of Chinese tourists, but the minimum bets were pretty ridiculous. Roulette used to be 10 ringgits minimum, texas hold'em 25 (so if betting on all four turns, that's a minimum of 125 ringgits excluding bonus, 150rm with bonus), and now roulette is 50rm minimum, texas 100 (bonus still 25, so total 525rm minimum).

Another comparison is with Marina Bay Sands where, during off-peak hours which is much more easily accessible for us, roulette is S$2.50 minimum.

So, not a single ringgit was spent in the casino during the visit, though watching my friends play was pretty exciting too. The most memorable moment was when the dealer had a royal flush, which made my friends and I leave the table. Fortunately one of my three friends was able to win some money with two straight flushes and a few full houses over the course of the night, so by the time she left she took home about S$1000, which was nice.

The jams were bad though, due to the long weekend at Johor, so the road back to Johor from KL took us seven hours, and even at 12am, the Malaysian checkpoint towards Woodlands took us another 2hours. Probably not worth the nice food at KL. Only got back at about 3am last night, and tomorrow there's a flight to Penang for Qing Ming already. My plants are really suffering, and the signs of overwatering are clear, but there's no other way to compensate for the lack of watering for 1-2 days. My chilis and eggplants are kinda sensitive to that. The manual drip was really a pain to use as it required serious calibration over time, and they look fugly.

It's ironic that I am reluctant to travel yet my passport is being used for all three weeks of my break.

Hesitant about all my possible dates now. I know a course mate has a crush on me and she's good-looking, but she's been dealing with her mental health for over a decade. The nurse a staff nurse at the polyclinic I was attached to earlier introduced to me is flying to Australia for a couple of years, so that's a long-distance at best. Got a match on Tinder who's responsive, but it's online dating again.

Getting a steel tray, and asking some friends who are about to visit Turkey to help me get a copper tray, since copper crafts are part of Turkish culture and history. Anyways, if they can't (since it's big), I'll order a pretty one from Etsy.

Rant 1277 / Could I Pull Off Something New?

05th Jan 2023

She just rejected my second invitation to go out for coffee, so after saying "haha ok I get the hint," I intend to give up on her, pending her reply which most likely will cement the end. So I was probably right, she was out of my league. Also have very different interests.

07th Jan 2023

She's giving some serious mixed signals. First she said we could meet after CNY, then stopped replying again for over a day. I'm giving her a bit of WOT telling her she seems amazing and that her apparent disinterest is due to having better matches, since presumably she is talking to multiple matches simultaneously like myself. This conversation is seriously challenging to prop up, and if it cannot be sustained till even the eve, then it's going to be awkward to just suddenly ask her out.

If keeping this conversation for another three weeks were within my ability, I wouldn't still be single. Her replies tend to be short, with minimal details, and do not ask for more details when I give equally short answers, which can be interpreted as disinterest. 

 

I'm probably being impatient and overthinking this, but tbh, this feels like a copy of the same situation with the Indian woman, where the actions and words don't match.

Anyway, another two matches today. Technically three but one unmatched just because I didn't reply within two hours of matching... due to an afternoon nap. The other two don't seem particularly promising, but that doesn't matter very much.

Beginning to think this back issue thing isn't wholly caused by my mattress but also partly due to sitting for too long.

Thought I was able to exercise today, but the moment I lifted the dumbbell, I felt something in my back. Let's not risk it...

Just finished The Outer Worlds. Kinda short, but it's so nice to play a first-person RPG of this quality and magnitude every once in a while.

Finally got around to trying the electric bass again, with a strap this time. I can say when it's higher, it seems easier to play than when it's resting on my lap. However, it's still a challenge to reach the highest string (E) with my pinkie and press down firmly with it, even on the 12th fret where it's rather close to my body.

Apparently that's normal and simply requires more scale practice. Like everything in life, it needs practice.

I'm still in the early part of the Valley of disappointment, so more training is needed to bring reach the intersection of the "What actually happens" curve and the "What you think should happen" line.

08th Jan 2023

Back's almost there now, 90% probably. No ache as I got out of bed, but still some when I sit with a leg crossed, or when I stand for a while.

The Chinese teacher replied with an apology for not checking her messages. I don't even know anymore. Of course will keep it going, but really not expecting much.

...

Wow she's really enthusiastic about our conversation this evening, even told me she'd switched on notifications for the app.

Was she playing hard to get only to finally understand the situation is rather different from that of her late 20s?

16th Jan 2023

Halfway through the first month already. Time flies. It will feel the same when I graduate.

Jack Ryan on Amazon seems like a pretty good show, seen three episodes so far.

17th Jan 2023

Finished a season of Jack Ryan. Pretty short with just eight episodes but actually good.

Matched with a woman a decade younger and her enthusiasm blew my mind!

It's insane, we agreed upon a date this weekend within 15mins, albeit a really short one since we both have other appointments.

So... just like last year, I have two dates close to one another again, though this time, the feeling is different. It's been so long I'd forgotten what it was like to chat with a match with much less caution. How nice! This is going to suck if it doesn't work with her though, because of what she has reminded me of.

My Watson's vitamin C effervescent tablets might be spoilt. I had diarrhoea last night and the night before, after taking one with dinner each time, and when I deliberately stopped that tonight, my stomach feels fine as of 21:47.

What the heck? Watson's house brand is terrible! The last time it was glucosamine that was bad in two bottles and I gave away the rest with a disclaimer, so now with this I am not buying their products anymore.

21st Jan 2023

Finally set a date yesterday with the Chinese teacher. Meeting up with the younger match today, maybe. It depends on whether she can get up in time because her flight got delayed multiple times last night, and she has only a limited amount of time to meet in order to avoid suspicions in her mother who's travelling with her.

The other match who met up on Thursday... was a sad story. She was absolutely beautiful, but her mind's warped. She needed help, at the very least by going out more to meet more people, because she'd been traumatised and had trapped herself in her little bubble for so long, her opinions were mostly based on her own conjectures that came out of nowhere. I would have helped, but she wasn't willing to change, so after her beauty wore off, I sent her a parting message encouraging her to seek help.

I am not even exaggerating - what we're taught is that there are really only two conditions you have to meet to be considered as having a mental condition severe enough to require professional help which are the inability to maintain achieve your goals (in her case, to keep her job as a teacher) and maintain social relationships (she's been losing friends, most recently her best friend).

As for today's date, I have some hesitation, but after yesterday's short videocall she requested, she seemed better than expected. We shall see. Yes she's also hot.

26th Jan 2023

That girl has little to offer aside from her body, as far as I am concerned. She might have personality but we don't really click. I'm letting out chat die.

Had a post-academic-term group discussion with our class mentor and seems like we will be changing again next semester due to envy from the other groups.

Fortunately I believe they're all better people than they used to be in the first semester, so it should go well.

She did ask one question that stuck with me: "What role do you play in this group?"

I interpret that to mean how I contribute to this group, and realised I don't do anything that stands out. Sure nobody can say I slack off (though the group knows I did in the first half of the semester and then did more in the second half) but there's nothing unique to talk about.

Current theory about my back issue - I need to train it consistently, this is happening because I've been letting go. More deadlifts, and back bridges. Tomorrow.

Mentor also noticed I'd been finishing my tests way ahead of the time limit, because for this first exam we've had so far (and the only one for this semester) on the 25th, she was sitting diagonally behind me, so she could also see my screen, in addition to my back and whatever is recorded in the system.

Although I always submit maybe 5-15mins ahead, this was literally the first time she could have a good look at my screen, which makes it no coincidence that she finally commented that she noticed I submitted my paper early, because if the recorded timing is all she sees this would have been my norm.

She definitely observed my screen, because the truth is that... I tend to finish the tests around the halfway mark, or half the time we're given. What I do is that I stare at the screen until about 5-10mins before time runs out, and submit it with everyone else. For the first paper containing 60 MCQs to be finished in an hour, I took about 35mins, while for second paper of that exam, the short answer question paper, I took about 45mins out of the hour given, which honestly isn't that amazing. This in no way means I'm some sort of genius acing every subject, it just means I read and type faster than everyone else. Like I told her in response to her remark, finishing the papers quickly is not necessarily a good thing. The reality is that most of these tests are have little to figure out - there's little to think about, so if you know, you know; staring at it longer won't make you know more. So after finishing the tests, there's little reason to read through everything and have second thoughts about my answers.

TBH I am quite confused about what people are thinking of me, because while some seem to think I'm really smart, nobody really wants me to be the class leader. I mean I don't want to be the class leader, but at the same time, I guess it does hurt my ego slightly. My best guess is they know I am lazy.

My client wants me to keep my business going. Considering restarting on a much smaller scale, but need staff, likely from my circles. The old ones I used to hire, they're old, if I hire one, I need the other for them to keep an eye on each other in case of accidents. Moreover, don't feel I need someone to be in the office daily this time.

Rant 1276 / And Then It Was 2023.

26th Dec 2022

So I've had an eye patch for a while, not sure if it has been mentioned before. Very rarely used for a few reasons, but decided I should really use them because my weaker eye may be turning lazy. Not sure if it's just me but it seems like one eye is moving less when I look in different directions, and it would be very much preferable to keep my eyes moving at the same rate at all times. So, using an eye patch to cover my stronger eye will reattune my brain to using this weaker eye, but while it's on, my depth perception is gone, and there have been at least one occasion when I accidentally touched something hot because of it, though fortunately nothing fragile has been knocked off somewhere high yet.

Thought one convo was stopped, but her last reply was to ask for my number. Interesting - thought she wasn't interested judging by her short replies and that she couldn't meet till months later. Still, not sure how this could be sustained. Chances are, I'll be meeting someone else earlier than that. 

 

 

 

 

31st Dec 2022

The Aeron is legit. Been feeling weird in my back lately, didn't flip my mattress topper regardless. Today, I had to brace my back when walking and turning, no idea if it is going to be safe to sit on the floor. Not a sprain yet, but close to one. Yet once I settle into the Aeron, all of it went away immediately. Yes, the chair is worth its price, whole-heartedly agree. Herman Miller has gained another fan now.

Six matches on CMB, but only the latest one might have any chance of a date in the foreseeable future. She prefers to chat more before meeting, so I asked a little too early.

But she seems amazing so hope this one works out.

Also a Chinese language teacher, though a local one this time. If we ever meet up, I could then say I have a strange affinity for Chinese language teachers.

Also, another like last night, though one chat is expiring later so it will still be six matches if I like her enough when her profile pops up at noon later.

02nd Jan 2023

Six chats and only one alive as of today, the Chinese teacher hasn't replied since before noon yesterday. The latter isn't a big issue, she might be busy in JB as she'd mentioned that earlier when I asked her out. In any case, somehow I feel lonely again today. I know I have friends to talk to, but I don't want to talk to them, and it would be nice if the reason could be discernable.

Back is feeling a little better today, might be back to normal tmr. Hopefully. I want to try sleeping on the topper directly on the bed frame, which effectively will make it a futon.

Part of the reason of my sprain might be that I've been sitting down more often. The other possible factor could be the fact that I really haven't been working out enough.

Ok, the Chinese teacher replied again, and seems to be more keen on talking now. Apparently she left on the eve and only just got back, so she was talking even in JB, which was sweet.

So I finally understand why buying insurance is not betting that you'll suffer whatever the policy covers.

First, we must understand what a gamble is. Before the bet is made, when you are holding on to your money, there is no risk. Once the bet is made, there is now a risk - the risk of losing it, in exchange for the chance to gain more.

So now on to insurance. Before you buy the policy, the risks are already there. The act of spending money on the bet does not change any of the odds of whatever the policy covers happening to you. Therefore, it is different from betting on your death because to bet on your death, you have to be immortal beforehand, and to add on, is there really a profit on your part? Maybe to the people around you, but you will never gain anything worthwhile from such a bet, making it a terrible gamble.

Instead, the insurer is the real gambler, because before you buy the policy, the insurer has no risk of losing money (since the only change that the insurance would affect as far as the insurer is concerned is monetary), but when you buy the policy, suddenly the insurer has a risk - the risk of you making a claim before the company earns enough money from your premiums to pay you. So in effect, when you buy a policy, the insurer is betting that the company will make enough profit from your premiums before you file a claim, and the house/dealer is the world. 

 

You're just the scenario, the game of blackjack, the roll of dice. You're paying money to become the rolling dice.

And there is indeed a consistent winner in this gamble - the funeral parlour.

03rd Jan 2023

Today marks an end to my business - the final eleven cartons are about to be sent out. This will also be the last time I engage my transporter guy for work. Of course it feels a little sad.

04th Jan 2023

So my mattress is definitely sunken in the centre, and no flipping will help. I am tempted to really try the idea of placing the topper on a hard surface like the bed frame, but there's a big test tomorrow and I need sleep.

On the other hand, it might suck to sleep on the mattress too.

My back still hurts a bit today, and rolling around, I can feel it's easier to roll into the centre than it is to roll to the edges of the mattress. Perhaps it is time to consider the futon style of sleeping.

Feels a bit bad for my transporter. The cataract in one of his eyes is quite obvious, his eyesight isn't great, his driving can't be very safe. Business is unpredictable according to him, and it is hard for him to move on to other things because his kids are still in school, making it a major challenge to take any serious risk to his income. But he must move away from his current line asap because of his eye and his bad back.

Wonder what he can do.

05th Jan 2023

Removed my topper instead, and went back to sleeping directly on my hard mattress, and so my back recovered much faster over last night. Feels almost normal now, as compared to the minor recovery over the night before. Will restart my workout this weekend, but carefully.

The conversation with the Chinese teacher is going great, and rather than asking her out this weekend, I've opted to bring the convo out of CMB first. Seems like quite an adorable person, reserved, absolutely beautiful, in the not-so-distant past she'd have been considered out of my league. I guess my confidence has grown.

Still trying to get her to talk and open up. Clearly she's keen on keeping the conversation going because I threw her a few simple observational statement replies and she responded regardless, but most of what she says tends to be short. Question here is whether I haven't found the areas she's really excited about, or she prefers our conversations to be in Chinese.

She's local, so the latter might be unlikely, but who knows?

Anyways, might also be counting my chickens before they hatch.

Re-read my last post. Could barely recall the Brazilian woman now. Wonder how strange it is going to feel to read something from years ago, like I did a long time ago with my very first post.

Thought I'd fail my Pathophysiology and Pharmacology test, but turned out it wasn't an F, nor was it a D, but a C+. I am amazed.

Keen on getting a bamboo sax but my electric bass is too neglected for me to justify spending S$335 on it.

Big Anatomy test later. Confident enough for a C, maybe a B.

Next week is something of a killer again. One final big presentation on Monday morning, a simulation lab class that requires some homework on Tuesday, an escape-room style simulation lab class that requires a bit of revision beforehand on Wednesday, a simulated panel interview and a major test on Thursday, ending with another test on Friday.

And overarching this entire week are two case study essays we have to complete by the following week, which may be lighter but is also meant for mugging for one actual exam paper.

TBH this is still relatively ok compared to uni life. Really makes me wonder how they survive over in the university version of this programme because it will also be accelerated by a year.

A bit of rest tonight and back to the mugging tmr.

Rant 1275 / An Eighth To Ten Thousand.

22nd Nov 2022

My home is a mess. I need to transfer my small form factor PC into the newer casing soon and make more space on my floor. Bring the modular drawers up above the wooden drawers too. That floor space should remain clear.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Managed to be more confident in today's presentation, talked more slowly and gently. 

23rd Nov 2022

So far so good with the Herman Miller Aeron, the lock for the backrest tilt is actually useful, though the headrest itself... I'm beginning to agree with the original designers of the chair that when you're busy, the headrest is redundant (hence the Aeron does not inherently come with a headrest).

It might also partly be that I'm used to using the computer without my glasses and somehow I feel more comfortable hunching over to look at the monitor more closely.

Clinical posting was up since Sunday night, going to IMH like everyone else. Strangely, some of my female classmates will be in male wards while I am going to a mixed gender ward, which means the lack of male nurses is not one of the reasons they're there. So why?

26th Nov 2022

Yet I'd rather spend hours reading the manga Blame than to reassemble my PC.

I am boring, there's no way to get around this fact. The other thing is that I don't like to take charge.

These two are the main factors, I believe, that have led to the current state of my singlehood.

There are two matches who are keen to meet up but can't make time in their schedules, and they haven't responded since yesterday evening, which most likely means they're busy, and I am not interesting enough to pull their attention away from whatever they're doing.

It also means my mind is too free to be dwelling on this, yet I'd rather be procrastinating on what needs to be done this weekend.

Didn't even workout just now, except for a little bit on the elliptical, barely enough to work up a sweat.

 

...

 

This feels a little like a wave of depression, except I managed to do something about it. Settling my laundry helped made me feel better, guess household chores are indeed therapeutic. Shall unfold my mahjong table to begin work on my PC tomorrow.

The last suit I got from Suit Supply felt so amazing. Haven't won it in so long that I'd forgotten just how comfortable it was. Had to use the jacket as a blazer because had a presentation that required smart casual, and I had run out of any good pants that could go with my shirts, so wearing jeans with a t-shirt and putting a jacket on top was the only reasonable way to attain smart casual level with my current wardrobe.

Just got a pink long sleeve button-down shirt from Robert Graham this Black Friday, plus a pair of black jeans that looks like a pair of chinos, so hope this works in the future. Bringing my jacket around in school was no fun, not to mention it felt like a massive overkill for the purpose it served that day.

Matched with a Brazilian woman today. She's touring Asia next year, but it's going to be nothing, unless things change next year. Hard to imagine myself being a tour guide for anyone.

Forgot to get something for my part-time helper. Not only has she been preparing labour-intensive garnishes for my simple dishes, I think she fixed my kitchen light.

Not sure if possible to get her anything right for xmas, so might just settle for a red packet for CNY.

The Atlas headrest turned out to be quite redundant indeed. Leaned back and yawned hard just now, and my head managed to push the headrest off the chair. It's just not sturdy enough, and I don't rest my head on it much in the first place, so might not reattach it.

27th Nov 2022

Nah, the light isn't fixed.

Accidentally overbought some items. Now I've got an extra carton of fat-free milk that I usually take for lunch, and an additional hundred capsules of activated charcoal. Fortunately, neither is a major issue, since I'd recently noticed that the fat-free milk only contains under fifty calories per packet, so I can easily take two a day, plus one more in the evenings, and even if weekends are out, that's still fifteen per week, or sixty per month. Two cartons make ninety-six packets, so this would only last a month and a half, or I can stretch it more by only having two packets a day on weekdays only.

The charcoal pills last for years, so it doesn't really matter very much.

03rd Dec 2022

This week was meant to be a breather but turned out to be yet another hectic week involving my first time staying in school for a project meeting till 7pm even though classes had ended by 4pm.

Totally forgotten to not make finding a partner the main goal of my life. Changing it now. Trying the sensory deprivation pool next week.

06th Dec 2022

It's already December 2022, and it's time to plan gifts and potluck. Maybe I'll wrap cherry tomatoes with cucumber instead of wrapping grapes.

10th Dec 2022

Not making food for class potluck because it's going to have to be halal.

Opened up the new casing and my small form factor PC only to realise it's pretty complicated to take apart, not worth the effort to bring the components over. Going to keep the new casing aside, maybe make a new PC when the old one dies.

Went for float therapy on Friday morning, used to be known as sensory deprivation tanks. It's a pod that is filled with water about 20cm deep that's saturated with epsom salt, so you float in it. This pod can be closed and the light inside can be turned off, so you can't see or feel anything. Still can hear though, particularly your breathing. The spa is also in a small light industrial building, so there was once or twice when I could hear some very light rolling noises, since it's not sound-proof, just dampens outside noises very much. The loudest noise was my own breathing, or the crack of my joints at the end.

Good for back sleepers, bad for people like myself who find it hard to fall asleep on my back because I'd feel my throat closing as it relaxes (turns into snores) and wake up. Also, close to the end of the session, probably at around 45-50mins, I felt the need to turn, likely to keep my blood circulation going, but that was not possible. Pretty nice overall if you need to find silence and darkness, but an hour is more than enough.

14th Dec 2022

A bit of a breather week this week. Three matches on CMB, none were right.

https://youtu.be/etnMr8oUSDo

The caffeine analysis was a surprise in that you get less caffeine in an espresso as compared to a pour-over even with the same amount of beans. 

It also confirms that the longer you steep the beans, eg in a French press, the more caffeine you get out of it, so in the Aeropress I'm currently using, if I leave the hot suspension in the upside-down Aeropress to steep for longer, it will get stronger up to a certain point.

And yeah, that's my current technique - flip the Aeropress upside down with the plunger in at half cm from edge, put 16g grinds and 230+g water in, stir and let it steep, put cover on, put mug over cover, flip it back. Stirring is absolutely necessary to release the air bubbles that will be created (typically in the form of crema) when the grinds are disturbed as you flip the Aeropress. Without stirring, the near-instantaneous bubble formation will create a sudden push of the plunger out of the Aeropress, and if you weren't bracing for it, the plunger could come loose and lead to spillage.

My vintage candelebra arrived last week. Really as beautiful as expected, hopefully it's really an antique, but will probably never know.

Now the candles from the 12/12 sale on the way.

Overbought a little this 12/12. Got an oval plate I thought was really nice, but not sure how to use it now, and a little too expensive to be given away. Could still be used during gatherings, but tbh I should be getting small bowls rather than platters and plates..

14th Dec 2022

Turns out candles have a catch. I wonder what it is. Will test it out during a weekend, with three candles in the living room and the aircon on.

16th Dec 2022

Time to get a little serious about money, the stream might be drying up by June.

17th Dec 2022

This week turned out to be the breather. Kind of. I still couldn't study much for the pharmacology test.

Haven't been working out much, can see I have gained weight, since the L size shirts are no longer just a little snug while my waistline at the beginning of the semester hovered between L and XL, and it was good that I went ahead and bought more XL jeans during the 11/11 sale, although it isn't exactly necessary yet, since my legs (and presumably also my butt) are shrinking from loss of muscle mass. They're just more comfortable around my waist.

How do people sleep if they work out as much as it is necessary to be physically fit? Last semester my cold sores returned because of my persistence in working out daily just to maintain, and this semester I am getting fat.

Working out isn't as simply as doing the exercises. We need time to change, shower, prepare the equipment on both ends of the sessions, and then it cannot be too soon before bedtime and after meals, but if you work out hungry before meal you'll not perform well.

So right after I get up? Sure, so I get up earlier than I did last semester. But it is near impossible to control what time I sleep without the necessary discipline and time management skill, so the result is less sleep.

Shall I work on those two? Discipline can't be that hard if I can maintain my daily workout schedule like that. Time management has always been my weak point though, and that might need to be honed for my future job.

How?

Writing and pasting the reasons for my working out will help with maintaining the daily workout routine. Will doing the same help for the two?

18th Dec 2022

Realised some whiskeys can go well with raw oysters.

After listening to how the relationship of one of my close friends went over the years, I realised I might have been expecting too much upfront with some of my past relationships, except for the first one. Should cut the next one some slack in the future, focus more on her better side.

22nd Dec 2022

Passed my practical test on wound dressing and aseptic technique yesterday, albeit barely apparently. This is the new course leader who took over our last one who resigned abruptly over the first month of our second semester, and she was much more straightforward, to the point where she asked me if I was really serious about being a nurse because she thought I could do much better than that.

The previous night while going through the list of steps to take for the procedure, I did come to the conclusion that I had been looking at it wrong. Rather than really understanding the principles of asepsis, I took it in as a script, probably because of how the procedure was presented by the module leader as a series of steps to follow, so rather than learning to change wound dressings and handling the sterile field, it was more akin to memorising a script for a play.

23rd Dec 2022

The way we are located at the Straits of Malacca, an absolutely vital route that's almost an artery of fuel and trade for countries like China and Japan, is actually pretty scary while presenting an incredible array of opportunities. It's basically the same as living on the fertile land around some volcanoes.

But rather than a volcanic eruption, we risk proxy wars.

I didn't realise how few options there are beyond our area for the moving of fuel for our East Asian neighbours.

Recently matched with someone who's probably a 9/10 in the photos, turned out to be probably not a scammer so far. I say probably because even though her style seems too roundabout for efficiency if it's a scam, she is too hot and replies too quickly to be real. Beautiful women who speak first and reply promptly are unicorns as far as I know, so until we meet face to face, she's likely a scammer regardless of how she talks. But I use "she" because so far, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt for her conversation style.

Of course I asked her out by the second day, ie today, just to make sure, but she rejected politely with an explanation, so it feels even likelier to be a scammer, pushing my estimate from 60% to 70% possibility that this is a scammer. Too hot though, I can't help entertaining the conversation. There is this concern that I am thinkinng with my wrong head for sure, but as long as there isn't a mention of money or investment, it remains fine.

26th Dec 2022

Ok that was a scammer. He stopped talking when I mentioned I talk to scammers for fun when I am bored, probably took it as a hint that I'm just messing with him (unlikely to actually be a woman).

What a nice windy day.

Five convos on CMB, stopping one because she wasn't going to meet till Feb. Makes no sense because the text convo can't go on for two months, she's just not that interesting, nor am I.

Back is starting to feel weird again. I absolutely must restart my workout today.

Rant 1274 / One Door Closes, Another Opens. Or Four.

 31st Oct 2022

Now that my brother no longer wants Netflix, I'm taking the opportunity to try the other streaming sites, starting with Amazon since it's so much cheaper.

It's ok, selection seems a lot smaller. Let's see how this goes.

1st Nov 2022

It is November already. Time flies. All my relationships fly. Restarted the swiping yesterday, both CMB and Bumble. Three likes on CMB just within half a day, two on Bumble. Didn't like the likes on Bumble but the ones on CMB aren't revealed till noon later. It's going to be like Christmas.

Practical test tomorrow, with me being the first to be tested, for once. I was starting to dislike the anxiety of waiting so long all the time.

But memorising the short list of common drugs for it is still a pain. Trade names, generic names, drug classes, indications, common side effects, nursing implications for fourteen drugs.

 

I guess as nurses we really do everything but with a focus on care. 

 

Only one among the three likes that I could kinda consider, but feels unlikely. Another two liked popped up on CMB after that but somehow they were revealed instead of being hidden till noon tomorrow, and among these two, one could be considered, so two matches today. 

04th Nov 2022

The one from CMB seems very nice, and she did not upload her best photos onto the app, as I'd discovered when she invited me to move on to TG. In any case, we won't meet for these two weekends since she's flying to the US tomorrow and I will be in Bali by tonight.

07th Nov 2022

Learnt about how easy it is to hit the highest frequent flyer level in Flying Blue, and it really is.

It costs under S$176 for a return journey in Dec 2022 from Paris to Barcelona on Transavia on the lowest fare that earns miles (Plus), and that makes 10XP per trip.

It costs 100XP to go from the basic Explorer to Silver, another 180XP to go from Silver to Gold, then 300XP more to go from Gold to Platinum. Hold Platinum for 10 years and it becomes permanent.

Since prices fluctate, let's take it as S$200 per return trip. To start from zero and hit Platinum requires 580XP. Each Paris-Barcelona trip (about 1.5hrs long each way) gives you 10XP, so that makes 58 trips, costing... S$11600. Do it for 10 years for lifetime Platinum.

Platinum benefits include free 1pc checked luggage, free access with a guest to their lounges, free upgrade to front row seats, extra legroom seats, Economy Comfort (aka premium economy) seats, and seat selection.

Since I'm from Singapore, I can stay home when I'm here instead of having to book a room, and not have to fly to Europe at all, which cuts the total cost of such an endeavour a lot. In other words, I should keep doing what I've just done over the last weekend - fly to Bali.

A trip to Bali costs about S$300 each time, so 58 of such trips will be S$17400.

The qualification of each tier begins the day you earn the first XP, ie it resets each time you move up a tier, so this means you have three years to hit Platinum initially, plus your excess miles roll over, so eg if you somehow earn 10XP when you already have 98XP, 8XP rolls over to the next tier.

Following that, you will have to keep earning 300XP a year to maintain Platinum, or thirty trips to Bali annually for me. Is it really that ridiculous in reality?

In any case, the weekend trip to Bali has refreshed my miles for another two years! Yay!

08th Nov 2022

But if I fly to London via Paris on Air France, the flight from Singapore to Paris nets 12XP while the little flight from Paris to London gives another 5XP, so the return trip totals 34XP, almost seven times the XP from a Bali trip.

Promo return fares right now (that still give XP and miles) are going at S$971 total, or about S$990 after credit card fee, which is still three times the price of the Bali return fares. Three of this will give me Silver status, as compared to ten Bali trips; SEVENTEEN of these will bring me to Platinum.

 

If I can find seventeen of this under-S$1000 fares, it will bring the cost of hitting Platinum to below S$17,000, or if they're all specifically S$990, it will be S$16,830, slightly cheaper than sticking to Bali. 

 

Beyond that, it will take nine trips to London to maintain the status each year.

But what if I look further?

Buenos Aires with two transfers gives 29XP per flight, or 58XP per return fare - only two will be needed to hit Silver, exactly ten to hit Platinum. The catch is that the lowest fare in the short term is S$3430 - ten makes S$34,300. Nope.

New York? Mostly one transfer at CDG (Paris), costs under S$2000, and gives 22XP per flight, or 44XP per return fare, so fourteen of these to reach Platinum, or S$28,000 - still nope.

Ok so using the Singapore-Heathrow fare as benchmark, every XP has to cost only S$29.12 or less.

Anyways this is pretty ridiculous for my new lifestyle. S$17,000 over the max three years is still almost S$5.7k annually, followed by S$9k maintenance per year, for... what? Free upgrades to premium economy on KLM, Air France and Delta, free access to their lounges, and elite status on Skyteam (priority everything on all their airlines).

Since I don't fly much anymore, this makes absolutely no sense. I won't be able to take advantage of these perks enough for them to be worth S$9k a year.

Oh well, it was fun to look into.

The one from CMB probably is not going to be any success, but surprisingly, one of the matches in Bali on Bumble said she will be coming over in Dec, and that's great because it's quite unlikely I'll be getting anyone beyond the second date by then, so regardless of who I'm seeing for the first few dates, it's still acceptable to go on a date with someone else.

And the fact that an Indonesian Chinese woman is able to fly here with miles practically means she isn't a gold-digger going for some rich Singaporean guy.

Let's see how that goes. Probably won't be a long term thing, but these days, all bets are off with my matches anyway.

So topping up my CPF's Ordinary Account doesn't get me tax relief, which kinda sucks. But oh well, I'll just top up my Special Account a little.

12th Nov 2022

Lots to buy yesterday, like glucosamine, fish oil, saline nasal sprays, and a new chair to replace the one that I'm sitting on that doesn't feel safe anymore, not to mention its backrest is tilted further than it should be by default while its max tilt is also tilted more towards the right. Yeah, it's ready to collapse at at time, lets not wait till I get injured to get a new chair when the annual sale is here.

Also emailed the mattress company but no reply for two weeks already, so probably not producing it anymore. Should get a new topper then, probably. A hard foam one.

Probably one of the quietest weeks in a long while. No ongoing convos, no matches. Not too keen on keeping up the convo with the Indonesian lady.

Feels pretty horrible tbh. At least the weather is nice, cool enough to have some alcohol. Haven't touched the pear brandy in a while. Not going crazy with it of course.

Maybe it is the combo of the breakup and the massive difference in Bali, but it's driven me to reconsider dating agencies and singles events again. Been a while too, joining these. Not yet though, a friend did recommend someone to me, going to give her a try first. She'd always seemed nice, but didn't seem to click when we first met.

13th Nov 2022

Got two matches this morning, perked me up a bit. One seems ok, the other one might need help psychologically, could be depression following extended period of time being bedbound after a spinal cord injury. 

Splurged a bit on wine again, but realised all my good wines can't be touched till at least 2024, and that's only for a German riesling. All my wines are now good though, unlike my previous purchases, since they're all gauged by price to WA (aka RP) score, so they're all S$105-165 and WA 94-97, which is a big deal since it's kind of uncommon to find wines WA95 and above being under S$300, let alone around S$150. The wine seller is reputable so it's ok, although the real tests will be in the years to come.

18th Nov 2022

While rearranging my wines, spotted ice on the top and back of my wine fridge, plus several spots on mould on the top wooden rack. That mould is horrible news so immediately wiped it with rubbing alcohol, which only removed the surface mould, hence it called for bleach. Strangely even half an hour of bleaching couldn't get rid of the last bit of mould, so I gave up and dried it, while planning to cover it with some baking soda before use.

Luckily there is no sign of mould anywhere else, so that's a major relief.

My Aeron arrived last night, almost an hour past the delivery time slot stated by the seller.

After adjusting it, only downside is the wheels, feels a little like they're scraping my wooden laminate floor. Probably will swap with the wheels from my last chair that were bought only several months ago. But they're a little too smooth, so idk, probably will take a good look at my floor later to check for evidence of scratches.

Overall, it is as perfect as advertised, though its durability will have to proven through the test of time.

No idea which wine to bring tomorrow. Maybe just the Chateau Mayne-Vieil. Or the Chateau Talbot? Nah, not the Talbot, it's only ready in 2025. Maybe the Aruma, because the first bottle of Mayne-Vieil wasn't very good.

Running out of flat horizontal space in the wine fridge though. Really have to stop buying collectible wines for the next few years.

And got to get some baking soda in there somehow.

21st Nov 2022

First group presentation tomorrow. Pretty straightforward, getting the hang of it, hopefully.

Many likes on CMB over the weekend due to my activation of Boost on the weekend before this. No idea why it took a week to work. Anyway, one was a straight up scammer and another felt like a scammer, so this marks the first time I'm encountering scammers on CMB. Regardless, two good matches and another like still hidden until afternoon later, in addition to the one arranging a date with me.

Still not much hope for the mutual friend being pushed to me, it's challenging to keep the conversation up, might drop it soon if issue persists.

The simple foam topper from the old brand Seahorse has improved the comfort of my bed dramatically. This might really be the permanent solution - just keep getting toppers over a really hard spring mattress. Definitely cheaper than spending S$3000 on a single mattress that is meant to last a decade, given my mattress was S$300 and subsequent toppers cost S$50-100 each - I could easily get twenty-seven toppers with the same budget, which would last the same number of years or more.

Rant 1273 / Conclusions And Interpretations

27th Oct 2022

Tried to arrange for a call, but she seemed really busy and I couldn't stay up beyond 12am on Monday since I've to get up for school at 6am.

Tried to arrange for a call on Tuesday and even asked to meet, but she wanted to keep the timing of the call flexible, and she was staying at her sister's for the week, not to mention she was really busy again, getting home only at midnight. She did show me a photo of her Zoom meeting so that seemed really sincere, but I can't tell if she was really really busy or she was being very nice in the sense that she was trying to pad my fall somehow. On the bright side, after considering the possibility of the latter, I texted her an apology instead, and she suggested meeting last night.

This weekend then.

After working out for three out of the four days last weekend using only the leg day schedule of my long strength-training workout format, it seems like my lower body strength is pretty good now. To be honest, by typical gym standards, I am weak - I was squatting with 26kg only.

But I could run up four stories in my army boots with my full laptop bag while skipping steps all the way, reaching my destination only breathing hard mildly and comfortably in my mask without needing to breathe in through my mouth.

IIRC the best I had done last semester was three floors, and I breathed harder and sweated more at the end.

29th Oct 2022

Agreed to meet on Sunday.

Starting to lag this week, and it's only the third week. Can tell the rest of the class has slowed down since the second week too, which means they didn't pace themselves as I'd thought.

But I think I'm lagging only because of the issue with her and the lack of sleep from it.

Working out twice or thrice a week is still worrisome despite the workouts being longer, probably because they're much less intense while designed solely for building strength rather than for training cardio stamina.

I may gain weight by the fifteenth week, and hopefully lose more during the coming clinical.

Tried Jollybee last night, after all these years, and it turned out to be pretty good value for money, aside from the drinks, and more salty than other big fast food chains. In fact it feels like they used less fats and more salt, which probably is the cheaper option.

So there's no fee to pay to extend my miles at Flying Blue, might have to spend S$400 to fly to Bali just to do that. Plus another S$200-300 on food and accomodation over a weekend, so makes it a S$700 weekend trip. Not cheap at all.

Having a dinner with friends tonight. Not sure what to say about my relationship right now since we're only meeting tomorrow, tentatively.

Currently intend to just be honest about it, that I don't know how it's going.

Yeah I even dreamt of her last night, that's how seriously I'm taking it this time for some reason. First time this has ever happened.

30th Oct 2022

So we were supposed to make plans today to meet and talk but she apologised and said she's still busy outside at almost noon. At this point I can't tell if she's messing with me or really is that incredibly busy despite the fact that Deepavali was a week ago and her cousins had flown back last night.

She sounded sincere but the fact remains that she's been delaying this for a week now. If it is right to gauge a person by his/her words, then this is fine, she's just too busy to meet and talk. If I am to gauge a person by his/her actions, then she's not very keen on talking but also wants to let me down gently by waiting for me to give up. Or she isn't sure if she should let go of me.

I may not even be overthinking it - these days, she doesn't respond immediately to my texts even on weekends as compared to her quick relatively quick replies in the first month, and often she'd go online but doesn't read my texts until much later, even on weekends, like today, when I texted her at about 9.30am only for her to respond at about 11.30am. It's now 6pm.

What's going on?

Yeah it's hard to focus on school now, even though it's Sunday, the day I usually spend preparing for the week ahead.

Yet I can't press her because if she's really as occupied as she sounds, then I'd be adding pressure on her for something she's already promised to do, akin to nagging.

Might have to fly to Bali for a weekend to keep my miles at Flying Blue from expiring. A bit of a waste of money but it's the cheapest option.

Came across some videos that have led to a better understanding of our capsule coffees work.

Nespresso's coffee capsules tend to be rather dark in terms of roast level, no matter how light they say they can be, as compared to actual coffee. This is done for a reason.

The other fact: these capsules can make coffees with much less beans (in weight) than what baristas use, ml for ml. What kind of magic is this? Can you extract more coffee somehow with the capsule machine? Why don't baristas do it already, since this would save them SO MUCH money? Isn't over-extraction a thing in coffee, hence the importance of a consistent grind?

Reason is that the capsules hide the lack of substance with a heavier flavour that dark roasts provide. There isn't actually more coffee, they just dilute what would have been much more bitter brew into something more drinkable. This is why the coffees generally have less character than coffees you grind and brew yourself, unless all you want is the nutty chocolate-like profile that dark roasts have. This is why you cannot taste fruity or grassy notes from capsule coffees. And this is why that red Napoli capsule, the darkest of the Nespresso selections, is the most bitter stuff you can ever find which contains absolutely no profile but bitterness, roasted to just a mere second away from becoming charcoal.

And it's not crema on top of capsule coffees, it's really as you probably suspect from the start - it's foam. You can literally put coffee into a blender and create the same effect on an even greater magnitude.

So this is the truth behind capsule coffee.

31st Oct 2022

She dragged and dragged, but finally, after asking her to give a concrete answer before bed last night, she's finally made things clear at 3am - she wasn't fooling around but also was not ready for a full-blown rs. My interpretation is that she doesn't want a full-blown rs with me. On second thought, it could also be because she has unresolved issues that prevents her from committing into one.

Regardless, I will miss some aspects of our rs this time. On top of being a very sweet woman, she'd shown me what real sex was like, eg what it is like to have sex with a woman who actually knows how to handle a dick. This perhaps played a part in this end too, that I cannot provide the level of sex that she might be used to.

I guess a lot of what I like about her was the sex. Her being the first slim woman with a good figure in my love life, able to bring sex to a level I hadn't experienced before. Perhaps it was a lot less healthy than my past rs, given that it is hard to list positive things about our newly ended rs that have no relation to sex.

Her intelligence was great, but she was hesitant to voice her thoughts, so the latter kinda killed the former. Her career was the best among the women I've dated, but over the months it was clear it really plays only a tiny part given that I don't do big trips these days, there is nothing big to pay for.

In any case, it's over, and I am glad to finally understand why a woman like her can still be single at our age. Now, time to take another break for maybe a month or two. Actually, idk, feel like swiping again. It is a fact that it felt sad to read her reply, but now that I've processed it by typing it here, not much feelings are left.